Expressions of passion

I often find myself going through artistic phases: I draw, I sew, I turn old things into new, and sometimes, but more often than not I find myself writing. I have a countless number of journals, four of which I write in consistently (each journal has its very own purpose, of course). The pen to paper is to me romantic, whimsical, meaningful, beautiful and almost forgotten in this era.

I have found myself falling deeper into a love affair with written (even, spoken) expression. To my mom that is no shocker. For as long as I can remember, she’s loved reading my papers in school, the blogs that I now write and everything else that fell in between. For me, I never really noticed how much I loved writing. It is simply a part of who I am. And then I realized it’s a part of who I am. It seems the realization was something I desperately needed.

Admittedly, I am not a very practiced writer, nor do I feel I always have something important to say. There are many times where words are not necessary; the silence, a soft touch or a look might be all the communication that is needed in a moment. However, I have found that there are many, many words that need to be said. There are millions of people every day who do not get to say or write or express what needs to be communicated. Their voices are smothered and silenced. These are the voices of the oppressed. The enslaved. The persecuted. The tortured. The forgotten. I’ve discovered that more important to me than any silk, any beautiful design, any poem is this raging passion to speak for those who do not have the chance.

In order to cultivate this passion (seeing as “cultivate” is the buzzword on this blog) I am headed back to school. This is kind of a hand in hand announcement, I suppose, because this also means I’ll be closing up shop. That’s right, I’m bidding adieu to Ania Designs (and silk, and marketing, and business, and lace…). I have come to realize that when you take time to discover your passion, what truly makes your heart beat, what really sends the blood coursing through your veins, you must take time to cultivate and follow that passion.

Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks ago. I was having a stunning conversation with a friend of mine about love and risk, and even though that was the subject matter in mind when writing, somehow it seems this string of words may fit a number of scenarios. I hope you enjoy.

Life seems to be shades of grey
Seemingly imperfect visions of
What is or is to come
The warmest sun
The coldest wind
Are reminders of truth and reality
Amidst the confusion
As life gives nothing we expect
But all that we hope for
It’s all greyscale
And struggling to find the eye
In the ever pressing storm
The yes and the no
And into the water are only my toes
When deep inside my heart
It screams I should simply jump in
To the dark, the depths, the unknown
That I might explore and taste
Only the most beautiful adventure to be had
A complete surrender and lack of fear
To immerse my life in love and sacrifice

Oh Honesty...

Honesty is the best policy. Tell me you haven't heard that before and I won't believe you. :) It's practically the grade school motto in this country. Somewhere deep inside me I find that it's more than just needing to hear the real truth from someone, more than just being a good citizen, more than just a phrase, more than just honesty and communication in relationships... I find that honesty in the fullness of life is an important thing.

This is why I blog. This is why I drink countless cups of coffee with friends and strangers (who, in turn, become new friends, of course!). This is why I share my heart and beg of others to do the same. I replied to someone's comment on one of my poems a while back with this:

"I see the heart as useless if we do not share it and give others the opportunity to experience who we really are. And by that, experience Christ through us."

This is why I don't cut corners of truth when I'm writing. I feel if you don't see all sides of me (even the far-out-left-field sarcasm and humor I tend to spew out without warning, the moments of ugly and sadness, or the confusion I might be in...) you won't see a real person. You'd see this ridiculously happy, always content and smiling, fake person who "really loves God". And you would despise me.

I don't want fake. I want real. I desire to be real. So when I say what I'm about to, well, you'll know that I'm not lacing my writing with falsehood. And maybe, just maybe, you'll see a little bit of God shining through. Let's see what happens, shall we?

Let's start with the positive, because that's just who I am when it comes down to it. I am stoked out of my mind to start school. I'm so freaking excited I can barely wait until Christmas is over. That's creepy, seeing as that's wishing away a good 3-4 weeks of ski season and because I hate how fast the holidays go every year. I know this little turn of events is something God has been directing me toward, and it excites me to have direction and a long-term commitment ahead of me. (To me, commitment is terrifying at best - so this "four year thing" is a big challenge!) I've spent the past two years unsure of what God wanted of my life, but I have been seeking it as passionately as possible fighting the urge to run at almost every turn. And now I have school to help me continue on a more specific direction toward purpose. It's rather thrilling.

HOWEVER...

I was sipping coffee and reading a blog of a lovely sister/stranger/acquaintance who happens to be serving in Africa this very moment and...well...I cried. Admittedly, her most recent post was tragic and deeply sad, however I felt this other kind of hole inside of my heart. This feeling of, "UGH, WHY THE HECK AM I NOT IN AFRICA?!" I wanted to beat my fists on the floor and let the hot tears take over. I wished and wished I could simply transport myself into the heart of Africa and stay there forever to serve and give my life away and forget about anything our own society tells us is important. My heart is racing because I'm upset. I'm sad that I cannot go right now. I actually mourn the fact that God wants me to do something else right now, even though that something else is exciting to me.

I suppose the only thing I have left to do is wait. I need to allow God to work through what I feel is this funneling of my entire being into something more exquisite than I can imagine. I can only suspect that if you love God, He does that to you, too. It's what my pastor said to me about a week ago: it's a period of delayed gratification. That if only I trust God and believe He is doing what He says He will do, it will be more astounding and fulfilling than I can ever hope. Those are some high stakes, folks. I simply have to wait and hope and trust in Him. And that is what I'm hoping and praying to actually make it through without trying to manipulate things and take control to do it the way I want. Because in the end, I want to glorify God. I want Him to use my life in a way that reflects Him and brings Him praise. No matter if I like it or not at the time (or both of those, in this particular case).

Our Father in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name,
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil
for Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory,
forever and ever, amen.

A Bad Word

Obedience.

You know what I mean. It's not a bad word, but it definitely evokes this feeling inside of you...that gritting-of-the-teeth kind of feeling. I have been thinking about this word a ton lately. In fact, I've been over thinking what obedience is and looks like and should look like... which led me to some peaceful conclusions, but I was left looking at a lot of the small stuff and missing a part of the big picture.

If you've been following my blog you'll know that things haven't exactly played out as I had planned, or even as I thought God had planned for me. And over the last year I've really tried hard to obey the voice of God in my life. More than anything I wanted to be close to Him, and I knew obedience to do some crazy things (like go serve in Africa) would get me there. But when my accident happened I had to rethink some things and examine my motives again. Again. Ugh.

A part of my heart was devoted to Jesus, but I think more of it was devoted to the cause He started. Oswald Chambers said this, "The moment you realize God's purpose, which is to get you rightly related to Himself and then to your fellow men, He will tax the last limit of the universe to help you take the right road." I hope against hope I'm solidifying this in the foundation of my faith that will help me be more and more obedient to God as the days pass.

I was studying and praying this week to prepare to teach on Thursday night. Teaching is not my thing, let's just get that out there. So instead I decided to share my story about what I've been learning about obedience this year. The gist of it being that it's not about what I do, but it's about how much and whether or not I'm being obedient to God. Because obedience is more a state of being that one single action, when you really think about it (or, when you look it up on dictionary.com, as I did and actually learned that's what it meant).

Obedience to God is not about following a kazillion rules to avoid being sent to hell. Obedience is about choosing God always. It's about fully surrendering. It's about finding God's strength to obey when you feel you can't possibly. It's about loving God. And as a result of our obedience we will find our fullness in God because we will trust that His joy is what will make us complete. And His joy is to be glorified. Thus, our lives are to glorify Him no matter what that feels like to us; whether it is joy or sorrow, happiness or mourning, easy or difficult.

I read yet another Chambers devotional and he talked about the fact that we are not in a relationship with God for God to make a success of our lives. Our obedience to God is not the means to an end or means to a successful life. "It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God."

That, friends, is my aim. Deuteronomy 7:9-11

Lions and Tigers and...Back to School? Oh my!

WHAT? Yeah. That's what I keep saying in my head to myself every time I think of it. Back to school. A handful of memories hit my gut when I think about what that actually means. Midterms. Finals. Labs. All nighters. Writing. More coffee than my system can actually handle. Financial aid. Grants. Deadlines. Procrastination. Study groups. Labs. Paperwork. The list goes on.

But it's not just about these things. It's the education, the process of learning that is what excites me. It's so important, not just in college, but every day beyond to continually educate oneself. And there is one word that comes to mind when I think about education: becoming.

I have spent the last six years as a single woman (single for the most part, anyway). I've learned about God and people. I've learned about myself. I have experienced a very full and rewarding life with a couple of different careers. It's all been a part of my becoming process. I'm becoming more and more the woman that God intends me to be. He's turned my heart to be passionate about His children. He's turned my heart to seek justice. And throughout this time, though I've been on a leave of absence from school, I found that I do not like idleness of any kind. I've made it a purpose to learn and grow as a person.

And now, this woman has found what her passion is (for the most part) and it's time to sink back into formal education, only this time with purpose and meaning. This time there will be passion and direction guiding the knowledge that will pour into my mind.

I'm taking my first class since 2005 in just a couple of weeks. It's a class on the history of human rights (shocked? Didn't think so). And then in the spring I'll be taking on more general ed, and next fall begins the fun stuff: the journey to a degree in Intercultural Communications through Oregon State. SWEET.

I'm no Superwoman, but at least when I am out in this world the education I have will propel me to work smarter, harder and more effectively for God's kingdom.

PS. I'm still planning on Africa. As a team, my attorney and I decided it's probably best for me to stick around until this settlement process is over. But guess what? As soon as it is, this girl is crossing the ocean for a year(ish). It'll be a different kind of education, but it will be a beautiful addition to the path of life God has me on.

Thank you. Heartfelt-style.

I need to say one. more. time. how appreciative I am of all that attended the awareness event at the Kilns last night. How blessed I feel that you took the time to come out and educate yourselves and use the power of your voice to help promote change in this world.

That is beauty.

That is love.

Thank you.

Imagine what Marie-Jeanne, or any of the women from that video would feel if they knew we were watching and crying with them? Hoping to help them? Doing what we can? Her heart would be filled with hope. My hope is that it already is because her story was finally told.

The advocacy team at WRN screened the movie about a week prior to the showing, and we sat around to process and talk and share our hearts afterward about how we can empower you (the attendee) and not leave you feeling hopeless. And so, I felt lead to simply try and encourage those that came to the event. I spent two nights and one afternoon in solitude simply praying and writing and reading different parts of books and the word to find anything to help. Anything to ease the pain from watching such a horrific truth laid out before your eyes.

But when I got up in front of everyone, I felt overwhelmed. I felt lacking. Speaking in front of people isn't that big a deal to me, but you all were different. You were aching and crying and looked hollow with pain, or angry - all of the emotions I saw in front of me were profound. God is stirring something in your hearts. I encourage you one more time to write it down, consistently pray for that, pray for the people, and ask God what justice should look like in your life, because it will most likely be different from the man or woman who sat next to you last night. May God lift your soul, speak to you, and give you the strength to continue to do good.

Life at its _____

You fill in the blank for yourself. For me, I hear a number of words pop into my head to fit that phrase right now, two of which I'll detail out.

"finest"
"most confusing state ever"

Those both apply right now in some way or another. We'll start with the "finest".

I had a three+ hour date with my baby sister yesterday (sheer awesomeness). It's strange calling her my baby sister sometimes because she's married and doing all of these grown up things...and I'm the middle child of the family that lives life one day at a time. (I'm the free-spirited, traveling, seasonal/part-time job-er that volunteers for NPOs and wants to go into missions overseas. I don't think it's what my parents really expected me to turn out like! But I love it and I think they do, too.)

Anyway, as we sat and talked I got to tell her about how completely satisfied I am because of God right now. There is no other source of joy in my life. I realized that I cannot possibly love anyone more, and I am even finding that may be true one day when I get married. I think God intended it that way. God has this plan for my life, and I'm enjoying Him and the daily obedience that comes with that.

At it's finest = God's joy.

"Most confusing state ever"

Obviously the beginning of this blog was the beginning of my journey to Africa and all that God was revealing to me in the process. Well...right now I'm stuck. If you remember, back in June I got to meet the grill of an SUV in a very rude manner. This leaves me in the middle of a settlement process that, as far as I know, keeps me in the US until it's over (pending a final answer from my attorney at the moment). BLAH. Totally not cool.

So I looked God in the face the other day and said, "Now what?" I'm here for who knows how long. Don't get me wrong, I adore Bend. My family (immediate and my church) is here. My friends and my life are here. So, as I'm "stuck" I find myself asking God daily, "What's on the agenda today?" I wonder, how can I be obedient to Him in every moment of my life, while still exuding social justice, advocating and doing ministry? What does He want me to do here now that there's no "end date" to my time in the US.

Even though this "roadblock" is confusing, it's beautiful to me. I feel God is revealing this secret to me, this wonderful adventure in this one little place on earth. I see opportunities in ministry coming about, opportunities to learn (potentially going back to school on a part time basis...if I can find the funds for it), and so much more.

Yes, life is confusing in that things aren't turning out how I expected thus far, but life is so abundant in lessons and beauty I cannot begin to recount them here for it would take far too long.

Hebrews 10:19-25 is my current favorite encouragement. Take a gander at it.

The Impeccable Timing of God

Admittedly, I've been pretty frustrated the past few weeks about the timing of my trip to Africa, and the beginning of this journey. It's something God has promised me. I'm not really too worried about it never happening, I've simply been chomping at the bit for the day I leave. Not impatience per se, but full of anticipation and excitement.

During this time, I've been continuing on in my "scribe project". Which on my own terms I'm way behind on because I couldn't sit up in a chair or read let alone read and write for more than a few minutes after the accident. I started again the other day in Genesis 12 where I left off. The timing was absolutely divine.

The story of Abram really begins to unfold in chapter 12:1-9. The thing I noticed that got my mind reeling, and then quiet enough to hear God was this:

1. God appeared to Abram and gave him a promise (the land and offspring)
2. Abram worshiped God (responded)
3. Abram continued on his journey (even though the promised land was right there)
4. God said "I will" do this, it wasn't right that second, other things had to unfurl first

I realized in this moment that I had been putting this time line of my own to a promise God had given me (my trip to Africa). Though logical as far as the eye can see, God had another idea in mind (although His idea is still a bit of a mystery to me). Yes, my seasonal job ends in September, the event I'm helping out with is at the end of October, and then I was free as a bird to leave. However, to be honest with you all, funds are simply not lining up as fast as I had planned on. Getting hit by a car and not working for almost a month also put a damper on that plan.

My heart was suddenly at rest because I saw something God wanted me to: I didn't have to follow a time line! I keep saying, "My life is a blank white slate when I get home from Africa" as in, I have no plans, there is nothing in the way of God doing what He wants (except for myself, ironically). I realized that I don't have to do all of these things so fast and close together. My trip doesn't have to depart at a particular time because my life is ALREADY a blank white slate. God's working His plan out. I simply need to respond to that promise and continue on.

The funny thing about hearing all of this on Tuesday: just after I had this "epiphany", I went to a meeting for the Congo Benefit Concert and the date was moved out to December 6th instead of October 25. What a wonder that God gave me peace before that, otherwise I would have probably thrown a silly fit.

So, for those of you keeping track, my trip will be delayed about 6 weeks(ish). I wonder what in the world God is doing as this time passes by. It'll be fun to watch and see...because God has promised me other things that seem to be coming to fruition in the current time(ish).

Smiles all around.

:)