Thoughts on the Big Two Five

slow reflections coursing through my mind
joy
heartache
gladness
melodic enthusiasm beating through my heart
anticipation
anxiety
wonderment
a twinge of excitement embraces my toes
curiosity
destiny
adventure
faith that envelopes the three
gratitude
praise
life

Next week marks the big 25 for me. Whoopty-doo. It's just another year, really. As the years pass the markers get a little less exciting. I can vote, I can buy a pack o ciggies, I can fight for my country, I can drink a beer after work, and this year my car insurance gets a little less expensive and I can rent a car. Thrilling.

I genuinely love my birthday, though. It's a time I can guilt trip my friends and family into being with me and not feel guilty about it. It's a time that I use to look into their faces and see what a beautiful impact they've made on my life; I couldn't do it without them.

I'm grateful for where I am. I'm thankful for the mistakes and successes, the joys and the times of grief. I'm glad that God continues to show me more of Who He Is as He shows me His faithfulness. I'm pleased to say that adventures are always on the horizon, whether they are a life change such as school or a random night time ski trip with a friend. I'm excited to enjoy the years ahead as I learn to deeply love others in a way that pleases God. I'm scared of some aspects of the life God has marvelously planned out for me; I realize it will not be easy. Like C.S. Lewis said, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

Pain has become something I fear less. Joy has become more difficult to grasp, but something deeply treasured and sought out. Life at any stage I admire with great intensity. Hearts lost in pain or filled with hope are the truth we live. Grace must abound, it was not created for us to simply receive. Human connection is poignant. Community is weighted more than gold. Success is not to be ours, but glory for God and service to Him. I regret nothing, instead I choose to be thankful for everything. I have yet to see certain dreams come to life, but I am not sad they seem to be delayed; I choose to wait in hopeful expectation.

Life has three beautiful parts: the has been, the will be, and the moments we choose how to fill now. I hope my heart continually remembers the importance of these.

Unending, really? Really.

I have been on this justice kick for a while now. I've been reading books, scouring the bible, and educating myself on current social justice issues around the globe. It is clear to me that God is a God of justice.

During this time I have found my prayers circling this basic thought process that God is someone to be reckoned with, that I am to strive with Him, pleading for justice and change and true love and truth to rise up amidst hopelessness and the terrors of our day. As much as persistent prayer is biblical, I felt like my prayers and my motives were lacking something. Something was missing somewhere on my radar and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

It wasn't until a conversation over a beer in a crowded restaurant the other night that it dawned on me via the insight and wisdom from a very dear friend. Carrie is one of the people in my life that shares this passion for social and biblical justice. And because she's been at this longer than I have I am thankful to the bottom of my heart to have her in my life to help guide me.

As we sipped on our beers, we were marveling at the sermons at church as of late and feeling grateful that truth is being spoken in regards to love and justice (see my last blog). As we talked, Carrie brought up a book that she had recently read and a point the author made that turned our conversation upside down for a bit.

The thought was this: unless you fully understand and set your foundation on how much God ACTUALLY loves YOU as an individual (through the gift of Christ's example and sacrifice), you cannot genuinely love others nor can you be effective in doing justice. At least not for very long.

This is not to say that those doing justice who do not know God cannot do any good, but those who do not rest on His foundation and purpose to know His love personally will not be able to last in fervor of service and pure motive. Their "cup" will run out because it is not being continually filled and nourished with God's love in order that love flows out of their life to properly "do justice, correct oppression, bring justice to the fatherless and plead the widow's cause". (And sorry to use such an overused "Christian-y" metaphor, it drives me nuts, but the "cup" makes sense.)

We (at least for Carrie and I) have always heard as we grew up in the church that if you love God, you must love others. But it seems natural and biblical that we should know He first loved us. Unless we know with full assurance and seek out how much God loves us, where will our motives come from? And how quickly will our perseverance run out if we are not resting on that love?

This is hard for me to grasp in some ways because I see many American Christians who take, take, take, receive, receive, receive, and horde, horde, horde. It seems it's therapeutic to be a Christian for so many. It fulfills this surface need to believe in something, gives us hope, forgives our sins and makes us feel like we're a better person for being "religious" or by having "faith". However, in this need to fulfill self we have forgotten to turn around and genuinely give the grace so lavished upon us to our fellow man in need (whether it is spiritual or physical). When I began to notice what was happening around me I felt my own heart go to the extreme of give, give, give. Give your heart, your life, your excess, give out of no excess by faith...and I forgot to continue truly receiving God's love as my source and ability to give and do justice. I felt guilty (and I kid you not) for reading Psalms as a means to draw closer to God. It may sound asinine, but it's true.

A matter of months ago I began to feel guilty for accepting this love and for feeling so good about God's grace and love toward me when I constantly have thoughts in the back of my mind about injustice and the suffering of others in this world. However, it seems I went to the other extreme, one which would lead me down a dead end road of complete exhaustion and more than likely bitterness and hopelessness.

It seems to me that my prayers will shift in content and direction just a few degrees now. The time I spend reading the bible will begin to contain a little bit more reading so that I begin to seek God's love not only for others, but also for my own heart. Because God's love is unending, and that is the foundation upon which I need to stand.

The Spirit of Life

I have been processing and contemplating numerous things these past few weeks. Jesus-Love. Dangerous living. Sacrifice. Right and wrong religion. Justice. Love. Heartache. Social norms and expectations. Coffee. (OK, maybe not coffee, but because I'm sipping coffee at this moment, I figured I'd throw it in there.)

Since my announcement to close the doors on my company I've felt free. Free to pursue what I feel is the absolute passion that lies in the deepest part of my soul. My direction and efforts no longer feel like a means to an end. I haven't been able to fall asleep at night because my mind is racing excitedly about the adventure that lies ahead. I think about advocacy, and justice, and Jesus, and love, and what in the world should love look like? What does God want those things to look like (in my life, in the church)? Who is the real Jesus? I'm talking about the one in the bible, not the one the recent culture of the American "church" has made Him out to be (because for the most part we've done a terrible job at knowing Him and following His example).

Last week I listened to this sermon (entitled: Love as Dogma, November 22, 2009 - um, as well as the week prior by Ed Underwood, amazing), and I simply burned with passion. Tears flowed uncontrollably out of my eyes because we, the church, have lost sight of the beauty of Jesus and His humble example for us. We don't know who He is anymore. We don't know how to follow Him anymore because tradition and our own desires and comfort have gotten in the way. That breaks my heart; I walk around with a nearly consuming sadness inside of me because of that. Really, there are no words to describe it to you properly. I challenge you to take the time and listen to that message.

"Love as Dogma" was yet another defining moment in my pursuit of justice and how I will be able to make an impact in this world for the glory of God. I realized that my life may not consist of being a full time missionary overseas. I still envision my life being dangerous. I still envision going to the places that nobody else wants to go. I still long to meet and love on and provide for those that most everybody else has forgotten about. I want to ask the hard questions in search for the difficult answers. And most importantly, I want to carry their voices to the place that they are scarcely heard: to the United States. That is my passion. I beg you to seek for yours if you haven't found it already.

My heart longs for us to take Jesus for who He actually is and to live love and justice. I want us to question why it is we go to church every day in order that we may actually be the buzz word of our generation: authentic. I want us to question the hurt in this world and to not be overwhelmed at the answer: that we are a part of the problem, and that we can also be a part of the solution. I want us to not be overwhelmed and to simply realize that we, each and every one of us, are created to do something related to biblical justice: whether it is in our immediate sphere of influence and our community, or if it is a radical life comparable to of one of the greats that went before us (Locke, Gandhi, Mandela...).

Let us take courage. Let us ask the hard questions. Let us follow our passions with great fervor. Let us live like we believe our convictions, and let us live that in real love, in Jesus-love.

Oh so sweet :)

I don't know if it is completely nerd-like of me to be stoked about this or not...but a friend of mine was sweet enough to pass on a little bloggy award! Thanks for the love, Lindsay!

Here are the rules that come with the Superior Scribbler award....
1. Each Superior Scribbler that I name today must pass the award on to 5 most-deserving bloggy friends.
2. Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author and the name of the blog from whom she/he has received the award.
3. Each Superior Scribbler must display the award on her blog, and link to this post, which explains the award.
4. Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit This Post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
5. Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

To those that inspire me with their hearts and words, and consistently give me goosebumps (which, by the way, is a good thing!):

Kelly's Blog (I'll link it once I receive permission!)
http://girlfullyalive.blogspot.com/
http://whereherfeetland.blogspot.com/
http://diamondsonhersoles.blogspot.com/
http://relevantdisciple.blogspot.com/ (<-- way to be, Pratt, for being the only dude I know who keeps a blog!)

My thought of the day:

Ponder for a moment how you might fight fatigue in doing good. For instance, maybe we're really nice or helpful to others for a time, and sooner or later we tire of it and continue on about our lives. Does that make sense? Makes your head hurt a little bit, huh? Then maybe, just maybe, it's something you should be thinking about more often. Maybe we should continually strive to do good in this world with authentic acts of kindness and love WITHOUT ulterior motives of any kind...can you even fathom what this world would look like? Yeah, me neither. But we can try to do good. How about you and me, right here, right now, make an effort for our fellow man. Whatever your gifting is, whatever you are good at, use that to help someone or improve their day. Don't try to do something because so-and-so did and that made a difference. We're created unique for a reason (I'll let you ponder my underlying meaning in that and maybe someday soon I'll blog about that, too).

I'll share with you my little bits that I've tried this week:

1. I like to smile. A LOT. So of course I began genuinely smiling at strangers. I'm talking at least two seconds of eye contact and a "hello" or "good afternoon". Ok, that sounds so frickin' cheesy it's not even funny. But it makes you feel good. And sometimes you get a funny response like I did yesterday, this lady just looked at me like I was nuts for the first second of eye contact, and then broke out of her "zone" and smiled back, genuinely. I hope it brightened her day.
2. Writing meaningful letters or emails to friends and family to encourage them.

I don't tell you these things because I want to toot my horn. Not at all. I'm just expressing my belief that even the tiniest acts of kindness matter. You may not be in war zones saving lives (thank you, Veterans) or a missionary in a jungle working as a doctor, or fighting injustice in our legal system...but leading an authentic life of love and kindness is a beautiful thing. And that in and of itself will leave a lasting mark on this earth.

Exhale of Joy

Do you ever wake up from a night of silent, dreamless sleep, and there's nothing you can do except smile as you prepare for the day? You feel an overwhelming sense of peace, a rightness in the world that scarcely makes itself known, a silent rhythm of perseverance.

I had that morning. It lingers. I am exhaling joy.

Granted, there is a story behind this that begs telling.

Justice has been served. In a world teeming with corruption and malice where horrific acts take place more often than we care to ponder; one case of injustice will be set right, at least in the eyes of the law. Words can scarcely make an appeal to my elation. A little girl and her brother will (hopefully) never again be molested. They now have the chance to heal, to make a clean break, and I pray to God that they are given the fullness of that opportunity. Innocence was ripped away without permission and smothered as if it didn't matter. It was concealed and denied. And now the oppressor faces his due punishment, for that I am thankful.

So much is affected by injustice. There is so much to consider. Injustice is not only an act, it is not only a series of: injustice, investigation, justice served. Injustice lingers. It follows lives to their end like a black cloud and sometimes lingers over the following generation of those originally affected. This breaks my heart more than I can elude to on a blog. I simply cannot begin to try.

And when I cannot find the words to speak, to tell a story, I will pen a poem in hopes that some expression will come from my heart that sends the message I intend.

Magnificent is the beat of the heart of Justice
Riding in stronger than the armies of old
Wielding a sharper sword and farther reaching weapons
Than any injustice could imagine
As they creep and hide and commit their crimes
Denying and conspiring that Justice is not great enough
In the darkest corners it ruins and smothers and sabotages
Innocence and rights are laid waste
and left to suffer silently, endlessly, without hope
Until Justice makes a fool of its powerless enemy
By lighting the concealed atrocities and
Ripping apart the haughty enemy
To give due diligence and freedom
healing and hope
to the victims and to the wounded
To sound the song of victory
Making known the all-consuming power
of Justice at its best
A foretelling that injustice will never have the last word
And this time injustice has not seen impunity
It will not be the last
For Justice rides on in triumph

Expressions of passion

I often find myself going through artistic phases: I draw, I sew, I turn old things into new, and sometimes, but more often than not I find myself writing. I have a countless number of journals, four of which I write in consistently (each journal has its very own purpose, of course). The pen to paper is to me romantic, whimsical, meaningful, beautiful and almost forgotten in this era.

I have found myself falling deeper into a love affair with written (even, spoken) expression. To my mom that is no shocker. For as long as I can remember, she’s loved reading my papers in school, the blogs that I now write and everything else that fell in between. For me, I never really noticed how much I loved writing. It is simply a part of who I am. And then I realized it’s a part of who I am. It seems the realization was something I desperately needed.

Admittedly, I am not a very practiced writer, nor do I feel I always have something important to say. There are many times where words are not necessary; the silence, a soft touch or a look might be all the communication that is needed in a moment. However, I have found that there are many, many words that need to be said. There are millions of people every day who do not get to say or write or express what needs to be communicated. Their voices are smothered and silenced. These are the voices of the oppressed. The enslaved. The persecuted. The tortured. The forgotten. I’ve discovered that more important to me than any silk, any beautiful design, any poem is this raging passion to speak for those who do not have the chance.

In order to cultivate this passion (seeing as “cultivate” is the buzzword on this blog) I am headed back to school. This is kind of a hand in hand announcement, I suppose, because this also means I’ll be closing up shop. That’s right, I’m bidding adieu to Ania Designs (and silk, and marketing, and business, and lace…). I have come to realize that when you take time to discover your passion, what truly makes your heart beat, what really sends the blood coursing through your veins, you must take time to cultivate and follow that passion.

Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks ago. I was having a stunning conversation with a friend of mine about love and risk, and even though that was the subject matter in mind when writing, somehow it seems this string of words may fit a number of scenarios. I hope you enjoy.

Life seems to be shades of grey
Seemingly imperfect visions of
What is or is to come
The warmest sun
The coldest wind
Are reminders of truth and reality
Amidst the confusion
As life gives nothing we expect
But all that we hope for
It’s all greyscale
And struggling to find the eye
In the ever pressing storm
The yes and the no
And into the water are only my toes
When deep inside my heart
It screams I should simply jump in
To the dark, the depths, the unknown
That I might explore and taste
Only the most beautiful adventure to be had
A complete surrender and lack of fear
To immerse my life in love and sacrifice

Oh Honesty...

Honesty is the best policy. Tell me you haven't heard that before and I won't believe you. :) It's practically the grade school motto in this country. Somewhere deep inside me I find that it's more than just needing to hear the real truth from someone, more than just being a good citizen, more than just a phrase, more than just honesty and communication in relationships... I find that honesty in the fullness of life is an important thing.

This is why I blog. This is why I drink countless cups of coffee with friends and strangers (who, in turn, become new friends, of course!). This is why I share my heart and beg of others to do the same. I replied to someone's comment on one of my poems a while back with this:

"I see the heart as useless if we do not share it and give others the opportunity to experience who we really are. And by that, experience Christ through us."

This is why I don't cut corners of truth when I'm writing. I feel if you don't see all sides of me (even the far-out-left-field sarcasm and humor I tend to spew out without warning, the moments of ugly and sadness, or the confusion I might be in...) you won't see a real person. You'd see this ridiculously happy, always content and smiling, fake person who "really loves God". And you would despise me.

I don't want fake. I want real. I desire to be real. So when I say what I'm about to, well, you'll know that I'm not lacing my writing with falsehood. And maybe, just maybe, you'll see a little bit of God shining through. Let's see what happens, shall we?

Let's start with the positive, because that's just who I am when it comes down to it. I am stoked out of my mind to start school. I'm so freaking excited I can barely wait until Christmas is over. That's creepy, seeing as that's wishing away a good 3-4 weeks of ski season and because I hate how fast the holidays go every year. I know this little turn of events is something God has been directing me toward, and it excites me to have direction and a long-term commitment ahead of me. (To me, commitment is terrifying at best - so this "four year thing" is a big challenge!) I've spent the past two years unsure of what God wanted of my life, but I have been seeking it as passionately as possible fighting the urge to run at almost every turn. And now I have school to help me continue on a more specific direction toward purpose. It's rather thrilling.

HOWEVER...

I was sipping coffee and reading a blog of a lovely sister/stranger/acquaintance who happens to be serving in Africa this very moment and...well...I cried. Admittedly, her most recent post was tragic and deeply sad, however I felt this other kind of hole inside of my heart. This feeling of, "UGH, WHY THE HECK AM I NOT IN AFRICA?!" I wanted to beat my fists on the floor and let the hot tears take over. I wished and wished I could simply transport myself into the heart of Africa and stay there forever to serve and give my life away and forget about anything our own society tells us is important. My heart is racing because I'm upset. I'm sad that I cannot go right now. I actually mourn the fact that God wants me to do something else right now, even though that something else is exciting to me.

I suppose the only thing I have left to do is wait. I need to allow God to work through what I feel is this funneling of my entire being into something more exquisite than I can imagine. I can only suspect that if you love God, He does that to you, too. It's what my pastor said to me about a week ago: it's a period of delayed gratification. That if only I trust God and believe He is doing what He says He will do, it will be more astounding and fulfilling than I can ever hope. Those are some high stakes, folks. I simply have to wait and hope and trust in Him. And that is what I'm hoping and praying to actually make it through without trying to manipulate things and take control to do it the way I want. Because in the end, I want to glorify God. I want Him to use my life in a way that reflects Him and brings Him praise. No matter if I like it or not at the time (or both of those, in this particular case).

Our Father in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name,
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil
for Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory,
forever and ever, amen.