Thank you. Heartfelt-style.

I need to say one. more. time. how appreciative I am of all that attended the awareness event at the Kilns last night. How blessed I feel that you took the time to come out and educate yourselves and use the power of your voice to help promote change in this world.

That is beauty.

That is love.

Thank you.

Imagine what Marie-Jeanne, or any of the women from that video would feel if they knew we were watching and crying with them? Hoping to help them? Doing what we can? Her heart would be filled with hope. My hope is that it already is because her story was finally told.

The advocacy team at WRN screened the movie about a week prior to the showing, and we sat around to process and talk and share our hearts afterward about how we can empower you (the attendee) and not leave you feeling hopeless. And so, I felt lead to simply try and encourage those that came to the event. I spent two nights and one afternoon in solitude simply praying and writing and reading different parts of books and the word to find anything to help. Anything to ease the pain from watching such a horrific truth laid out before your eyes.

But when I got up in front of everyone, I felt overwhelmed. I felt lacking. Speaking in front of people isn't that big a deal to me, but you all were different. You were aching and crying and looked hollow with pain, or angry - all of the emotions I saw in front of me were profound. God is stirring something in your hearts. I encourage you one more time to write it down, consistently pray for that, pray for the people, and ask God what justice should look like in your life, because it will most likely be different from the man or woman who sat next to you last night. May God lift your soul, speak to you, and give you the strength to continue to do good.

Life at its _____

You fill in the blank for yourself. For me, I hear a number of words pop into my head to fit that phrase right now, two of which I'll detail out.

"finest"
"most confusing state ever"

Those both apply right now in some way or another. We'll start with the "finest".

I had a three+ hour date with my baby sister yesterday (sheer awesomeness). It's strange calling her my baby sister sometimes because she's married and doing all of these grown up things...and I'm the middle child of the family that lives life one day at a time. (I'm the free-spirited, traveling, seasonal/part-time job-er that volunteers for NPOs and wants to go into missions overseas. I don't think it's what my parents really expected me to turn out like! But I love it and I think they do, too.)

Anyway, as we sat and talked I got to tell her about how completely satisfied I am because of God right now. There is no other source of joy in my life. I realized that I cannot possibly love anyone more, and I am even finding that may be true one day when I get married. I think God intended it that way. God has this plan for my life, and I'm enjoying Him and the daily obedience that comes with that.

At it's finest = God's joy.

"Most confusing state ever"

Obviously the beginning of this blog was the beginning of my journey to Africa and all that God was revealing to me in the process. Well...right now I'm stuck. If you remember, back in June I got to meet the grill of an SUV in a very rude manner. This leaves me in the middle of a settlement process that, as far as I know, keeps me in the US until it's over (pending a final answer from my attorney at the moment). BLAH. Totally not cool.

So I looked God in the face the other day and said, "Now what?" I'm here for who knows how long. Don't get me wrong, I adore Bend. My family (immediate and my church) is here. My friends and my life are here. So, as I'm "stuck" I find myself asking God daily, "What's on the agenda today?" I wonder, how can I be obedient to Him in every moment of my life, while still exuding social justice, advocating and doing ministry? What does He want me to do here now that there's no "end date" to my time in the US.

Even though this "roadblock" is confusing, it's beautiful to me. I feel God is revealing this secret to me, this wonderful adventure in this one little place on earth. I see opportunities in ministry coming about, opportunities to learn (potentially going back to school on a part time basis...if I can find the funds for it), and so much more.

Yes, life is confusing in that things aren't turning out how I expected thus far, but life is so abundant in lessons and beauty I cannot begin to recount them here for it would take far too long.

Hebrews 10:19-25 is my current favorite encouragement. Take a gander at it.

The Impeccable Timing of God

Admittedly, I've been pretty frustrated the past few weeks about the timing of my trip to Africa, and the beginning of this journey. It's something God has promised me. I'm not really too worried about it never happening, I've simply been chomping at the bit for the day I leave. Not impatience per se, but full of anticipation and excitement.

During this time, I've been continuing on in my "scribe project". Which on my own terms I'm way behind on because I couldn't sit up in a chair or read let alone read and write for more than a few minutes after the accident. I started again the other day in Genesis 12 where I left off. The timing was absolutely divine.

The story of Abram really begins to unfold in chapter 12:1-9. The thing I noticed that got my mind reeling, and then quiet enough to hear God was this:

1. God appeared to Abram and gave him a promise (the land and offspring)
2. Abram worshiped God (responded)
3. Abram continued on his journey (even though the promised land was right there)
4. God said "I will" do this, it wasn't right that second, other things had to unfurl first

I realized in this moment that I had been putting this time line of my own to a promise God had given me (my trip to Africa). Though logical as far as the eye can see, God had another idea in mind (although His idea is still a bit of a mystery to me). Yes, my seasonal job ends in September, the event I'm helping out with is at the end of October, and then I was free as a bird to leave. However, to be honest with you all, funds are simply not lining up as fast as I had planned on. Getting hit by a car and not working for almost a month also put a damper on that plan.

My heart was suddenly at rest because I saw something God wanted me to: I didn't have to follow a time line! I keep saying, "My life is a blank white slate when I get home from Africa" as in, I have no plans, there is nothing in the way of God doing what He wants (except for myself, ironically). I realized that I don't have to do all of these things so fast and close together. My trip doesn't have to depart at a particular time because my life is ALREADY a blank white slate. God's working His plan out. I simply need to respond to that promise and continue on.

The funny thing about hearing all of this on Tuesday: just after I had this "epiphany", I went to a meeting for the Congo Benefit Concert and the date was moved out to December 6th instead of October 25. What a wonder that God gave me peace before that, otherwise I would have probably thrown a silly fit.

So, for those of you keeping track, my trip will be delayed about 6 weeks(ish). I wonder what in the world God is doing as this time passes by. It'll be fun to watch and see...because God has promised me other things that seem to be coming to fruition in the current time(ish).

Smiles all around.

:)

Justice

Justice:

–noun

1.	the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness: to uphold the justice of a cause.

2.	rightfulness or lawfulness, as of a claim or title; justness of ground or reason: to complain with justice.

3.	the moral principle determining just conduct.

4.	conformity to this principle, as manifested in conduct; just conduct, dealing, or treatment.

5.	the administering of deserved punishment or reward.

6.	the maintenance or administration of what is just by law, as by judicial or other proceedings: a court of justice.

7.	judgment of persons or causes by judicial process: to administer justice in a community.

"To look for justice is a sign of deflection of devotion to Him. Never look for justice in this world, but never cease to give it." -Chambers

That quote hurts my head. I'm not even kidding. Currently I am on a massive hunt for the real definition of justice according to what God says in the bible. Yeah, there are these fabulous detailed definitions on dictionary.com, but it's vague, and very human. When I see the atrocities and horrors of what is happening in the DR Congo, I get angry. I want punishment. But I also long for mercy and grace to be poured out and for healing to happen. I battle internally about the meaning of justice in relation to this kind of situation.

In my off time, I volunteer for World Relief Next in a couple of areas. One area is for women's advocacy. There are a few of us who are working on how to advocate and get the word out about this particular fact:

currently the worst place to be a woman is the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

However, not only do we need to advocate, but we need to educate and engage those we share with. And to properly do this, we need to know what God says about justice. This means that Natischa, Darcy and myself (and for the rest of her internship with Antioch Church, the lovely Katy) will be starting to study what biblical justice is. I will keep you posted on thoughts of justice and scriptures that we have found as we do this. I really hope it changes my heart more toward God's heart.

On the road again

I have decided that this accident will not deter me. I knew from the beginning it wouldn't mess up my trip to Africa. I knew I would recover. In my personal opinion, I think I'll be up and running, officially, in a few weeks with some lingering physical therapy and chiropractic work. Granted, I didn't really expect to be out of commission for so long, but I'm thankful it wasn't worse. That keeps me quite happy.

However... (oh, you knew a "however" was coming). I'll let you in on this: as sunny and positive as I occur in my natural state, I have not been that way since my accident. I don't feel that way, at least. My two most difficult struggles through this trial are these:

1. Continually keeping my focus on God. Yes, you heard me right, it has been so very difficult, and I've failed many of these days.
2. Being positive is not naturally occurring. I'm sad more than I'm happy right now. I'm really disliking that, and also feel like a failure for feeling that way.

Psalm 27 has been my delight the past couple of days. Finding God in the mess of my life has been harder than I ever imagined, especially since I was happily moving through life loving God more than I ever had in my life up until that moment. Not only am I undergoing physical therapy...I feel like I'm going through spiritual therapy. I'm trying to get back to where I was before when I would long for moments of prayer, for moments to soak in the richness of scripture. Well, where I would long for them more than I do right now, anyway.

I'm trying...still. And I'm trying to be still. And I'm trying to seek the face of my Hosanna, my Rock, my Savior every time I become frustrated and angry tears roll down my cheeks.

That is the messiness of my life. Welcome. :)

P.S. I may have happened upon a friend who wants to go with me to Africa. Stay tuned for details and PRAY! It's exciting!

More Prayer

This girl needs prayer. Whew. Obviously I've had quite the rough and tumble week. It's not every day I get hit by a car and walk away. I was talking with Beth earlier today and she just smiled at me, "God is doing something huge in your life, Bo-nanne. It's written all over you." This statement followed by, "Are you starting to pull out of this accident what you need to learn?" I laughed. Not even in the slightest, I don't think. I want to have an answer, or some sort of life wisdom to pull from it, I just haven't figured it out yet. I haven't let my thoughts and emotions get to the point of needing the answer so bad that is debilitating. I'm simply resting and praying that God would show me in His timing. That seems to be my answer right now. Everything comes with God's timing and attention to perfect detail.

I'm still in the place of life I mentioned in my "Growing Pains" note: working my 8-5 job, volunteering where I can, doing ministry where I'm called...and all of it seeming so fleeting because all of this world will pass away at some point. And what I'm left with is the cross, and what I'm left doing is clinging to it for dear life - in a beautiful way. God has it all in order for me. Slowly my control-freak personality is wasting away (I hear her screaming as she falls off a cliff...wait, wait, that was a bit morbid, let me try again: I hear her fading quietly as if I were turning down the volume on the TV before it mutes altogether. There!). I still don't know what's ahead after Africa, or if there is an "after", maybe I am supposed to be there for the rest of my life. Who knows. The joy I have right now is completely and solely in Christ.

All of that to be said...I need prayer. Prayer that I would continue to cling to the cross, that I would rest in the assurance that God will bring along the perfect amount of support for this trip, that I would trust Him and love Him, that my heart would be prepared for the work He has for me each day (now and in Africa). Oh, and that my body would find recovery and healing, soon. Although I'm enjoying the rest, the pain is really difficult to manage and deal with.

Thank you, prayer warriors. You are such a blessing.

Holy Smokes

I am blessed to have some amazing friends, gifted by God almighty. Please, spread the word, tell your friends, blog about it, tweet it, Facebook it, Myspace it, email BLAST it. This is a video for the Enough Project to spread the news about the war in Congo and how we are ALL CONNECTED to destruction and violence.

BE A VOICE.

ENOUGH FINAL ENTRY from emote360 on Vimeo.