Growing Pains

"Growing Pains"

As soon as you read that phrase, I'm pretty sure your instinctual reaction is, "Uuuugh." Well, it's mine. It's a groan of frustration and underlying tones of excitement. You see, right now I'm in this phase. With my life and my business...it may as well be stamped on my forehead for all to see.

One thing is for certain: I'm off to Africa. Right now most of my free time is spent planning and praying about it. Moving forward one baby step at a time. The other things: ministry in Bend, my career, whether or not I'm headed back to school next year (gasp...), all of the above...all I see is a BLANK. WHITE. SLATE.

I don't know what God wants me to do with my company. I've literally given it back to Him until He either returns it to me, or strips it from my life entirely to give me new purpose. Either way, I'm thrilled. I am glad He guides me through this decision. It's a big deal. I have people ask me all of the time how Ania is doing, and if the company is progressing, and I can't give them a logical answer. Not even close. I shrug my shoulders and tell them for now, my life is about serving, and if God decides to wrap up my passion for Africa with my company after I get home, then fabulous. If not, something more beautiful is about to unfold in my life.

Here is my poem for today, I wrote it as I passed time in a meeting before I was needed (my head was swimming with questions and thoughts and I wanted to cry...so I had to write):

Growing pains

my mind reels
through the night
as the morning arrives
and dawn breaks through
the darkest night

decisions swaying
slowly at the front of
my ever wandering mind
how this, when that
and the questions
I am asked
I cannot seem to answer

it's that place I'm in
growing pains
not knowing
only seeing a white slate

and the immediate is
all that I can hold onto
grace is all that I can grasp
and Christ is my only
sure answer
satisfying to my soul