A Remarkable Turn

My life has taken a sudden, remarkable turn.

A couple of days ago I hit my epiphany that set my heart at ease about a number of things: school, desires, where I am headed after school, etc. It set my heart at peace so much so that I was able to hear God telling me to move in a new and radical way. Before I delve into that I need to explain a little bit about my life pre-epiphany.

Things pre-epiphany were new and exciting. I was back in school, working hard, getting into a groove of studying and trying to balance the rest of my already settled life of friends, family and skiing. School was challenging - more so than I expected. The bible study I had started to lead was rocking my face off. And yet, somewhere below the surface I was not at rest. My writing was inhibited and I couldn't figure out why (though I'm grateful for that: in order to combat this writer's block I started some new habits and practices that are truly helping me refine my abilities). My "writer's block" was the biggest inclination, however, that something in my soul was amiss.

Last week I had two conversations two days apart with two people who live in different states. I admire these folks greatly and both of them - darn near verbatim - told me the same thing: if I'm to get a degree in Intercultural Communications I should think about transferring to a larger and more diverse school for my upper level courses. They proposed being in a small town has the potential to be toxic to my education. They were in no way saying that the profs here in Bend are under-qualified or that my degree wouldn't mean much from such a small school in a small town. Put simply: it would likely be a healthy change for me as a person to head to a bigger city to challenge me personally as well as in my education.

When things like these conversations repeat themselves I take notice. I would be hard-pressed to let this particular instance slip by. I requested information from a couple of schools within an 8 hour driving radius hoping first that I wouldn't have to go too far from home. I still wasn't convinced of leaving Bend. I always imagined I would finish school close to my family and friends and maybe even get married before leaving to find a job with an international relief organization. I love Bend. I love this community. You couldn't have talked me into leaving if you tried...

...until one fateful morning at Thump.

I was tootling around online looking at schools on the West Coast and I happened across the Pepperdine Universtiy website. As soon as I clicked on the page for the International/Intercultural Communications Studies program and skimmed through the description something deep in my soul clicked. The program in and of itself is positively astounding (as it should be for a school like Pepperdine). I realized in that moment I would be leaving Bend and I was excited.

Pepperdine is my first choice. There are a lot of unknowns at this point: finances, the date when I can transfer into the program (it will be Spring or Fall of 2011), if I am even accepted, etc. I have a handful of schools I will apply for as backup options (Westmont and Biola are a couple of them).

After this rather quick turn of events I sat down with yet another amazing friend of mine for dinner. We got on the topic of what I called my "writer's block" and the potential of that feeling being more than just, well, "writer's block". As we discussed this I realized it might have been instead an underlying dissatisfaction with certain aspects of life - things which I still cannot put my finger on - only one of which I know for certain.

There is, in this town, an identity which I cannot escape. I've tried with all of my might to make the switch from business owner and wedding gown designer to student, writer and future advocate. And yet week after week I encounter someone who will wonder "Why? Really - a writer?" or I'll get inquiry on top of inquiry for new clients or potential business partnerships. It's all that marketing - it's really starting to pay off! Ironic! ...burdensome.

It sounds ridiculous but it is exhausting trying to escape that identity. Yes, I loved my work. I loved silk and lace, I loved my clients who glowed with excitement, I loved putting together a business and watching the different aspects work together as a functioning whole, I loved all of it. Until, that is, I realized my deeper passion was for the oppressed and the potential for me to use my voice as a means to bring injustice to light.

So I find freedom in escaping this identity and moving forward in what I truly believe God has called me to. I find freedom in leaving.

Ephiphany

I came to a simple, beautiful epiphany yesterday - which shows you just how young I still am as a follower of Christ. I've been praying for one thing for 7 years and God has yet to answer me. I realized in my frustration over the past week that there's been a disconnect in this prayer over the years. I know I haven't truly surrendered this to God but I've been trying; I simply don't know what submission in this respect looks like. More often than not our relationship with God is not tangible or easy to peg - obviously.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

That little phrase, "pray without ceasing" is something I haven't exactly practiced. Even this prayer of 7 years has been intermittent and lacking fervency. However, I realized as I was praying about this last night that the simple act of persistent prayer is about a continual "letting go" of the subject at hand and the discipline of the posture of my heart in the reality that God is the Creator and I am His created.

This was my beautiful epiphany which I will now begin to discipline myself in.