Holy Smokes

I am blessed to have some amazing friends, gifted by God almighty. Please, spread the word, tell your friends, blog about it, tweet it, Facebook it, Myspace it, email BLAST it. This is a video for the Enough Project to spread the news about the war in Congo and how we are ALL CONNECTED to destruction and violence.

BE A VOICE.

ENOUGH FINAL ENTRY from emote360 on Vimeo.

For the Win

I cannot even begin to tell you how many people have encouraged me with stories of life and of God and his faithfulness through our trials. I still feel I don't have much room to complain, I walked away from this accident breathing and moving without anything broken (that I know of...still another CT scan to go before that's final). Yes, my body is absolutely aching and in pain and I'm exhausted all of the time. But I'm glad to be here - heart beating and all.

I still don't have any answers as to why this happened and I failed to mention in my last exhale of frustration via this blog that I don't necessarily want an answer. I don't really need an answer. I'm at rest in that I know God allows things to happen to us for our good and the good of those around us; to glorify Himself. I know that in this time I'm called to lean wholly on the God who saves me, to rest in Him and delight in Him (even through the fog of painkillers).

At night my mind would relentlessly reel the question of, "Did I deserve this? Was this to get my attention to show me I'm doing something wrong?", even though I do not believe that God specifically punishes us through events to get our attention - I think God allows things to happen to us. Of course, I am not here to get into a theological debate. (For the most part, I hate debating.) I've come to the conclusion that I was simply being obedient to God's will, and this was simply an event that I was handed in order to place doubt and confusion in my life and potentially deter me from obedience. Let's let the truth ring free: the enemy will not win. He plays the same tricks over and over, only with a different sticker on the package every time. I'm beginning to see the pattern in my life. Little things here and there to make me doubt a God that is bigger than I will ever be able to fathom. He is a God that gave me grace that I can confidently walk in each day. He is a God that I can lean on and not be disappointed in.

A couple of nights ago I tried to search through the fog again: I opened my bible looking for peace and comfort, the words of a loving Savior. I landed in Psalm 18. This passage has laid my pitter-pattering heart at rest and stopped my ever-wandering mind in its tracks:

"He sent from on high, he took me;
he drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
The Lord dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my
hands he rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of the Lord,
and have not wickedly departed from my God.
For all his rules were before me,
and his statutes I did not put away from me.
I was blameless before him,
and I kept myself from my guilt.
So the Lord has rewarded me according to
my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my
hands in his sight.
With the merciful you show yourself merciful;
with the blameless you show yourself blameless;
with the purified you show yourself pure;
and with the crooked you make
yourself seem tortuous.
For you save a humble people,
but the haughty eyes you bring down.
For it is you who light my lamp;
the Lord my God lightens my darkness.
For by you I can run against a troop,
and by my God I can leap over a wall.
This God-his way is perfect
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those
who take refuge in him.
For who is God but the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God? -
the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless." v.16-32

I know that I have been doing all that I can to obey what God is asking me in my life. I know that my righteousness is found only in Christ and I rest in that. I continue to look to God to heal my aching body and to set my feet on high places and to make my way blameless before Him. He has a plan for my life, and nothing, not even being hit by a car, will deter that.

"The Lord lives, and blessed be my Rock, and exalted be the God of my salvation." Psalm 18:46

In the Fog

Yes, I am alive.

That is not some silly metaphor (or whatever) to state that I'm around, just not blogging. That's a fact, and one I'm holding dear at the moment.

I got hit by a car on the way to work on Wednesday. It really sucked. I considered myself "ok" at the scene, other than shock and adrenaline and pain all over my body. I was walking and breathing in and out and (mostly) interacting with the police and firemen trying to take my vitals.

Right now, I'm not considering myself ok. I am in a lot of pain and emotional stress, but I consider myself blessed and thankful to be alive. I'm still under the lovely effects of painkillers because everything is so messed up in my back and neck.

That fog I am wandering in, however, is making it wicked hard to process what happened. I feel like I haven't seen the face of my God in days, which makes me cry. I cannot bring my emotions to a place of understanding. Perspective is impossible. I'm constantly finding myself in tears, mainly when I'm using the restroom because I'm actually alone with my thoughts (and painkillers). I've tried reading my bible, but my train of thought or focus is impossible to keep. I cannot seem to hold a conversation and I am constantly stopping, unsure of what I was literally just speaking about. That is more frustrating than I can even begin to describe.

All I can say about life right now, is that I'm trying. Trying to lean on my Savior because I know that is the first thing I should do. Trying to understand what happened. Trying to see the good in it all (some of it is easy to spot, but only surfacy things right now). Trying to keep a level head and not freak out. Trying to be patient in prayer while I wait for tests to be done on my ever aching body. Trying.

Tiring. That is what it is.

Always thankful for my family who is taking the time out of life to care for me, and for my countless friends who want to help as well. I'm trying to let you, I promise! I can only handle a little bit of love at a time though, it really is hard to keep up. It's quite amazing to me. All I ask is for prayers right now, that is what I need the most.

Growing Pains

"Growing Pains"

As soon as you read that phrase, I'm pretty sure your instinctual reaction is, "Uuuugh." Well, it's mine. It's a groan of frustration and underlying tones of excitement. You see, right now I'm in this phase. With my life and my business...it may as well be stamped on my forehead for all to see.

One thing is for certain: I'm off to Africa. Right now most of my free time is spent planning and praying about it. Moving forward one baby step at a time. The other things: ministry in Bend, my career, whether or not I'm headed back to school next year (gasp...), all of the above...all I see is a BLANK. WHITE. SLATE.

I don't know what God wants me to do with my company. I've literally given it back to Him until He either returns it to me, or strips it from my life entirely to give me new purpose. Either way, I'm thrilled. I am glad He guides me through this decision. It's a big deal. I have people ask me all of the time how Ania is doing, and if the company is progressing, and I can't give them a logical answer. Not even close. I shrug my shoulders and tell them for now, my life is about serving, and if God decides to wrap up my passion for Africa with my company after I get home, then fabulous. If not, something more beautiful is about to unfold in my life.

Here is my poem for today, I wrote it as I passed time in a meeting before I was needed (my head was swimming with questions and thoughts and I wanted to cry...so I had to write):

Growing pains

my mind reels
through the night
as the morning arrives
and dawn breaks through
the darkest night

decisions swaying
slowly at the front of
my ever wandering mind
how this, when that
and the questions
I am asked
I cannot seem to answer

it's that place I'm in
growing pains
not knowing
only seeing a white slate

and the immediate is
all that I can hold onto
grace is all that I can grasp
and Christ is my only
sure answer
satisfying to my soul

Faithful

faithful:
1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.
2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
3. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends.
4. reliable, trusted, or believed.
5. adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.

I was sweetly reminded of God's faithfulness last night. You see, a couple of years ago I went through a really difficult time. My career tanked, I lost my house, I lost everything. I was at rock bottom in so many ways. When all of that crashed down I was left looking at God and astounded at my own idiocy. I had been depending solely upon myself for everything, which God did not find amusing. My response was simple and to the point: I needed God back at number one. I needed to depend on Him rather than myself. And I needed to serve Him and others before myself.

However, months later, after an internship with the church and working with the college ministry, I found myself floundering. I was lost, regardless of how many wonderful friends I had to encourage me. That was the problem. I had friends, no mentors. I had my parents, but no outside wisdom. Don't get me wrong, my parents and friends are the bomb diggity and were so supportive it absolutely rocked my world, but I still craved time and wisdom from a woman who had already been through it all. A sounding board. And not only did I feel I was missing that in my life, I kept hearing of many other young women who craved that as well. So I began to pray.

Now, fast forward to this spring.

Suddenly in a matter of two weeks, and after a year of wonderment at why God put that on my heart, God gave me a vision and desire to start a women's group. A gathering to facilitate genuine fellowship, to grow relationships, to study the word and seek out God's wisdom - and just for the summer months until our fall community groups at church began again. I couldn't help but obey, even though I wondered if I would have the time or energy to do that on top of planning for Africa. I tried to rely my faith and on the strong belief I have about balance in ministry: that wherever I am, I am called to serve; that no matter if I am planning on serving overseas, I still have work to do at home.

After much prayer and preparation, our first gathering arrived. And let me tell you:

God. Is. Faithful.

We had fourteen women of all ages attend, and we got to know one another, we got to study the word and seek wisdom...and it was so real. I felt a fullness and joy to the depths of my soul like I have never felt before. When God says that He is our ultimate satisfaction, He's not kidding. This understanding in my heart about servanthood and love, and a heart desiring God, it has never been more alive to me than right now.

If that was the first gathering of the summer...then holy smokes, my imagination will run wild with all of the amazing things God will do in the future.

It's not about what you do

That's been the entire theme of God's words to me this week. From encouragement flowing from my friends to the sermons I have listened to, the devotions I am reading, and the scripture I have been digging through. It's not about what you do. It's about following Christ, abiding in Him (Colossians 3:1-4), allowing Christ to live through your life during the day to day, in the small stuff (2 Peter 1:3-10), and knowing that your value and worth reside solely in Him and in the cross.

I have been so focused on Africa, this "big sacrifice of time and self", this trip that I hoped would help define my life and give it purpose, make meaning of my faith...that I had it backwards.

My whole life and purpose is Christ, and what follows after that is only an outpouring of His love through my obedience. That is what it's about.

"My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers is easily my favorite devotional, actually I am pretty sure it is the only one I own. He said it wonderfully:

"The mark of a saint is the moral originality which springs from abandonment to Jesus Christ. In the life of a saint there is this amazing wellspring of original life all the time; the Spirit of God is a well of water springing up, perennially fresh. The saint realizes that it is God who engineers circumstances, consequently there is no whine, but a reckless abandonment to Jesus. Never make a principal out of your experience; let God be as original with other people as He is with you."

The War and the Never-ending To-do List

Somehow I feel like I'm sitting at the base camp of an enormous mountain - wind blowing in my hair, heart pounding, and pondering what the adventure holds for me as I prepare to climb. I wonder about the challenges, the not-so pretty moments, the tough moves, the bravery and the gear I'll need, and I imagine the beauty of the light of the sun as it rises to shine on the mountain during the climb. I wonder how well my body, soul and mind will fare.

This was the feeling I encountered last night. Africa is my mountain right now. There's a never ending list of questions in my head that I need to ask someone who's been there, yet I simply haven't had the time. There is so much to be done and a lot of support to finish raising. There is one more sewing class I need to teach, but haven't finished the logistics and prepared sign ups. I have packing and insurance and inoculations and plane tickets to figure out...and then last night I realized that I'm leaving in 4 and a half months.

Part of me feels overwhelmed, that is the retired event planner.

Part of me feels at peace, that is the daughter of a King.

And part of me feels the war beginning to wage once more.

Not the same tactics as last time (view post here), but definitely the same war. It seems that one will never end. I had a quiet rest come over the waters of my stormy and emotional heart after I wrote that last bit. I enjoyed the peace and the comfort of my Savior walking at my side; He will always satisfy. Unfortunately my humanity tells me otherwise and manages to pull the wool over my eyes for a brief moment. I oftentimes tell myself that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass.

And then, through all of the items on the to-do list and through the war, I look my God in the face and understand He is my beginning and end, my soul's desire and that my life at all times is an offering to Him. That mountain in front of me is what He has planned, every little step and challenge along the way is a journey I share with Him. It's finding myself in His hands and in His heart. That is all that matters.

Moments

I wonder sometimes where all of my days have gone. The summer days that slip by, the calendars marked with social events and business agendas, the passing of time counted by life events. I've been so busy lately that I feel I haven't had time to soak it in. To take a moment and capture the essence via every single one of my senses and cherish it before moving on to the next. Taking a moment like you would under a blossoming cherry tree in the spring, inhaling deeply, exhaling, letting the imagination run while getting lost in the texture and color of each little flower...

I've finished the majority of my work for the year with my company and am simply working full time at a fab local company until the end of September, as I had originally planned. That way when I leave for Africa, I'm not feeling tied down or distracted when I get there. I want to be free to cherish the moments I encounter like I would with that cherry tree.

I want to meet women and hear their stories of life and rejoice with them as they discover new hope and opportunities. I want to experience through their words and their hearts the tragedies they've encountered and for that to change the way I view my life. Not only do I want to learn, I want to be able to impact these women, even in the smallest of ways. By looking them in the eyes, smiling like I mean it. By listening to their stories in hopes that they feel heard and that they know they matter. I want to be able to teach and offer my talents to them so that they can grow in their own lives.

I want a lot of things for this trip, but I desire that God would fulfill these and glorify Himself. Because that, in the end, is all that will matter. And each of those moments that He offers to me will be sweeter than any cherry tree I stand under.

Legacy

I just had a fab conversation with my Aunt about Africa the other morning. Oh how I am glad this post is not going to be in video, because I couldn't make it through without crying. My late grandfather had a friend named Don who had a heart for Africa, and since 2000 has spent much time devoted to a village in Uganda.

I'll give you a brief version of the story: Art (my grandpa) and Don were supposed to take off for Africa in 2003, however my grandpa's health had been deteriorating in the couple of years prior. His health worsened too much to go on the trip. Regardless of his health, he helped provide funds to create a clean water system for this village.

That Christmas, months after Don went on the trip, our entire family, the kids and grandkids were all together for one last Christmas with grandpa. He wasn't expected to last much longer the way his health was declining. The day after Christmas (or right around there) he got a card in the mail with an overwhelming heart-felt thank you card and photos from this village in Uganda of the fruit of his giving. Only a few days later he passed away. What a blessing for him to see that and to days later meet his Maker.

I only hope I can continue on in this legacy of self-sacrifice and generosity; to seek justice for the oppressed, to plead the cause of the orphan and widow. (James 1:27)

(*I'm trying to find the photos from that card, as soon as I do I'll post them up here)

The Unsearched Soul

Lost, downtrodden, empty
She aches
Forgotten, oppressed, confused
She agonizes

Forgiveness she's never known
Embittered, her heart
She stands tall, shaking
Facing evil, staring at death

The eyes of her enemy show no mercy

The unsearched soul begs comfort,
Petitions justice,
Pleads healing,
Implores saving

Afflicted, abused, unknown
She cries
Alone, sobbing, lacking
She longs

The unsearched soul
Feels a breeze
Catches a glimpse
Hope that shines
Healing that cleans
Love that fills
The greatest void

Firm she stands
Truth she holds
Love she exudes
Forgiveness she extends

I wrote this a while back after a massive influx of information on FGM. It breaks my heart and absolutely fuels my desire to go and offer my life and all that God has given to me to women across the world. This CNN article also played a role in the poem.

My People

I want to introduce you to some people who have influenced my life in amazing ways. If you ever visit Bend, you'll want to try and meet them, you would not be disappointed. There are a twenty five other people I could list, quite easily...and it's not that I don't want to mention them, I am simply going to keep it somewhat narrowed to this particular area of my heart for Africa. Some of them have nicknames, I thought it important to share :)

Elizabeth (Beth, BS, Bess(ie), BethAnne): Meet Beth. Her namesake: Consecrated to God. This woman is definitely living that out, and I think her parents knew she would. I used to live with Beth for about two years. She's been my big sis ever since, and I love her dearly. She's a video cowgirl, frickin' amazingly talented video editor, travels the world, loves Jesus like crazy, and inspires me to follow the passion deep in my heart. Oh, and she always knows what you need to hear from God, whether she's conscious of it or not. And she says the funniest things in private and loves being vague and ambiguous.

Sarah M: My soul sister. We honestly cannot remember how we met (probably a human rights function of some kind or another), about a year ago or so. She's passionate about art, true beauty and love. She LOVES Africa (ask to see her tattoo). Her life goal (in my eyes) is to show the world truth and Christ through art and personal surrender to His direction in her life. We always drink nutty love mochas at Thump, and only drink them with each other, it's our treat to ourselves. We usually spend that time talking about two things: boys and Africa. ;)

Lauren (Lo): I feel I cannot quite sum Lauren up in a paragraph. I shake my head at how amazing she is just thinking about her. A soul filled with passion for Christ and for His children. A devoted wife and incredible mother. She has the most beautiful voice I have ever heard, and writes songs that could bring a terrorist to tears all while giving a remarkable description of God's love for us. I love to sit at her home, or Sparrow Bakery and enjoy soaking in her wisdom about life. She has a lot of it. She is the Proverbs 31 woman.

Benjamin (Benny Boy, Bro - yeah, I got real creative there, didn't I?): Husband of Lauren. Very much my big brother in many ways: silly remarks about the last date I went on, or sound wisdom about life and business, or brilliant ideas. Genuine and kind-hearted, passionate and full of adventure, this guy you must meet. He's the kind of guy that is married to the Proverbs 31 woman that you hear his name at the gates and he is respected. In fact, if you attend my wedding some day you'll get to meet this husband and wife duo of awesomeness, because he's not only passionate about photographing for God and using his gifts to share with the world, but they are rockstar wedding photogs. I can't imagine my life without them, whether I am in the states or in some far off country, I know we'll always be friends. (And Ben? I'll keep the diarrhea joke to myself.)

Ann (that fiery Irish woman): In the short time I've known this woman, she has simply STEPPED IN. In a good way, of course. We share a passion for Africa, advocacy, people and Christ. She is another woman I can gladly say is now like family to me. She's easily embarrassed me in front of approximately 60 people by calling out, "Hey Annie-bo-nannie!" in her sweet accent just after the room went dead silent for some unknown reason. You can't have family without a moment like that! Anyway, she's always there to tell me how it is. She even said last week that if I didn't see God still desires me to go to Africa, she'd smack me on the head until I got it. Needless to say, I got it ;) She is a great encourager and supporter, a mother of two absolutely darling kiddos (one of whom she calls "chicken" as a pet name), and wife to a rad and hilarious dude, Mike. She loves that I am a very logistical person, and I love that she has an awesome accent. Those are the same, right?!

Darcy (hot momma, ladybug): I call her hot momma for a reason. She's drop dead gorgeous, blond, stunning blue eyes, and she's REAL, unlike the barbie dolls you see in Target. But WAY WAY WAY WAY more than that, she's passionate about human rights and stopping injustices. She does everything she can to educate herself about these things and searches high and low until she finds answers, or more knowledge, or a way to help. It rocks my world. We love to have strongcoffee and or breakfast together while her son plays with water in the sink. We talk about life, and Africa, and women (not gossipping, but women in Africa and all over the world who face atrocities every day), and boys, and Courtney and I help her plan date nights for her hubby. (Courtney is another amazing woman, passionate like crazy about human rights and loves Jesus, and simply wants the world to know. She's not shy about it, and I LOVE that about her!).

Sam and Katie: I have to put these girls together. One, because they are roomies (MY roomies!!). And two, because I'm realizing I can't just say one brief sentence about everyone and suddenly this blog is gonna take you an hour to read. These girls are
A
M
A
Z
I
N
G.
They love Jesus like crazy. They follow their passions. They tell me the truth, give their opinions, and then they let me make my decisions without passing judgment. Well, you know in a healthy way I pass my thoughts and stuff by them, because I respect them greatly. Sam daily fights for women to be respected and to not be objectified, whether that is outside of a bar on a Friday night or not. She tells it like it is. And she drinks whiskey like I do. Straight, room temp. :) Katie, is a beautiful single mom who is tougher than nails (oops, almost cussed, haha!). I don't think many women can compare to her strength and dignity after having gone through such a craphole of a time. But she leaned on Christ and here she is today, passionate, joyful and RAD. Oh, and she is an incredibly talented (and those descriptors are not strong enough) makeup artist, and she does all of my waxing, THAT is something else. I love me some smooth legs! The three of us have an awesome time together and we can laugh and joke like nobody's business.

Kathleen: This woman loves the word of God. I feel like that's almost all I need to say. I've never been so inspired to read scripture before - even the seemingly obscure stuff like the minor prophets (I say that in a jabbing tone, please understand: I love sarcasm(to an extent) hehe). We have been reading the word together every Thursday morning for like, a year now, at 6am (sometimes 6:10 or 6:27) at Thump, the baddest coffee shop in the whole dang town. And recently we have decided to embark on a three-point-two-five year adventure: copying the bible, word for word, in our own handwriting by doing one chapter per day. It's probably one of the coolest things I'll ever do in my life. I'm excited to see how God enriches my life through this divinely inspired adventure. I'm glad she's the one doing it with me, because holy smokes she knows her bible. When you meet her, I dare you to ask her a question that will spark a theological debate. You'll have fun. :)

Sydney (Sugarbear): This is my precious niece. I never thought I could love someone so much. Seriously. She's hilarious, absolutely stunningly beautiful, and she makes me want to fight for every single orphan on the planet. She makes me want to further pursue justice and show God's redemption. She makes me want to love people more and more every moment I see her and watch her sweet face as she giggles. She is the little children that Jesus talks about.

I sincerely hope you get to meet these people some day, if you haven't already. AMAZING.

Share the Congo With Your Friends

Hey all, take a gander at the video here:

WORLD RELIEF CONGO from emote360 on Vimeo.

This video was done by my BS (big sistah) Elizabeth Fischer and Benjamin Edwards (my BB, or big brother), both of which I love dearly. This was done on behalf of World Relief NEXT. Tell your friends about this video. This is real time. This isn't some faraway story. It isn't impossible to have a positive effect in this region from your living room or your local community. If you think so, ask me and I'll be happy to tell you you're mistaken.

You.

CAN.

HELP. ASSIST. ALLEVIATE. FIGHT. LOVE. RELIVE.

I know we're all concerned about the journalists in North Korea, and whether or not they will get a fair trial. Believe me, I'm following their story...but these people you see? The faces here on this video? It breaks my heart that hardly anyone knows the injustice and horror they face every day. That 5.4 million people have died because of the atrocities in this area.

Please pray, if nothing else, please pray.