Honesty is the best policy. Tell me you haven't heard that before and I won't believe you. :) It's practically the grade school motto in this country. Somewhere deep inside me I find that it's more than just needing to hear the real truth from someone, more than just being a good citizen, more than just a phrase, more than just honesty and communication in relationships... I find that honesty in the fullness of life is an important thing.
This is why I blog. This is why I drink countless cups of coffee with friends and strangers (who, in turn, become new friends, of course!). This is why I share my heart and beg of others to do the same. I replied to someone's comment on one of my poems a while back with this:
"I see the heart as useless if we do not share it and give others the opportunity to experience who we really are. And by that, experience Christ through us."
This is why I don't cut corners of truth when I'm writing. I feel if you don't see all sides of me (even the far-out-left-field sarcasm and humor I tend to spew out without warning, the moments of ugly and sadness, or the confusion I might be in...) you won't see a real person. You'd see this ridiculously happy, always content and smiling, fake person who "really loves God". And you would despise me.
I don't want fake. I want real. I desire to be real. So when I say what I'm about to, well, you'll know that I'm not lacing my writing with falsehood. And maybe, just maybe, you'll see a little bit of God shining through. Let's see what happens, shall we?
Let's start with the positive, because that's just who I am when it comes down to it. I am stoked out of my mind to start school. I'm so freaking excited I can barely wait until Christmas is over. That's creepy, seeing as that's wishing away a good 3-4 weeks of ski season and because I hate how fast the holidays go every year. I know this little turn of events is something God has been directing me toward, and it excites me to have direction and a long-term commitment ahead of me. (To me, commitment is terrifying at best - so this "four year thing" is a big challenge!) I've spent the past two years unsure of what God wanted of my life, but I have been seeking it as passionately as possible fighting the urge to run at almost every turn. And now I have school to help me continue on a more specific direction toward purpose. It's rather thrilling.
HOWEVER...
I was sipping coffee and reading a blog of a lovely sister/stranger/acquaintance who happens to be serving in Africa this very moment and...well...I cried. Admittedly, her most recent post was tragic and deeply sad, however I felt this other kind of hole inside of my heart. This feeling of, "UGH, WHY THE HECK AM I NOT IN AFRICA?!" I wanted to beat my fists on the floor and let the hot tears take over. I wished and wished I could simply transport myself into the heart of Africa and stay there forever to serve and give my life away and forget about anything our own society tells us is important. My heart is racing because I'm upset. I'm sad that I cannot go right now. I actually mourn the fact that God wants me to do something else right now, even though that something else is exciting to me.
I suppose the only thing I have left to do is wait. I need to allow God to work through what I feel is this funneling of my entire being into something more exquisite than I can imagine. I can only suspect that if you love God, He does that to you, too. It's what my pastor said to me about a week ago: it's a period of delayed gratification. That if only I trust God and believe He is doing what He says He will do, it will be more astounding and fulfilling than I can ever hope. Those are some high stakes, folks. I simply have to wait and hope and trust in Him. And that is what I'm hoping and praying to actually make it through without trying to manipulate things and take control to do it the way I want. Because in the end, I want to glorify God. I want Him to use my life in a way that reflects Him and brings Him praise. No matter if I like it or not at the time (or both of those, in this particular case).
Our Father in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name,
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil
for Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory,
forever and ever, amen.
dear sister/stranger/acquaintance,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to have catalyzed this. I am sorry that I didn't say upfront that I was in Africa... honesty should have been my best policy, too. I was afraid that you would think I was gloating or something, but instead I let you be blindsided by it. I'm not sure which was worse. Anyway, I am sorry for all of that.
I am not sorry, however, that you have been brave enough to be authentic in your writing again... and that you are continuing to seek God in the midst of this, even when his plans don't seem to make sense. Take heart. As you continue to seek God's will for your life, I have no doubt at all that it will be worth every tear, every frustrated moment, and all the long wait. Not that it's much consolation in the moment, I know.
Anyway, I hope you can see my heart in this, and know that I did not mean to cause pain.
Ohhh no! My dear, don't you worry your pretty self - it is through no fault of yours! I've been feeling this way since the day I heard I shouldn't leave the states. It is what it is, and I am finally becoming (almost stupidly) excited about school and coming to terms that this is just the way life is rolling at the moment. Not to mention the fact that I read a devo by Chambers the other day that talked about exactly what I'm going through in my walk with God. That we think we're on this beautiful path of serving God, and suddenly we're out in the wilderness for 40 years in order that we are actually in step with God, rather than blazing our own trail. Think Moses after he killed that man and then ran, right? It's that "coping" (for lack of a better word) phase that I seem to be coming out of. The understanding that maybe this is exactly what God wanted all along. I have joy in that now, and it seems to be growing day by day. :)
ReplyDeleteI was nearly certain when I read your post that you were not blaming me, but I still felt badly to have been a part of that. Thanks for the lovely reply though.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with your thoughts about wilderness. There's always a divine purpose behind it!
And I am glad you are looking for--and finding--joy.