For the Win

I cannot even begin to tell you how many people have encouraged me with stories of life and of God and his faithfulness through our trials. I still feel I don't have much room to complain, I walked away from this accident breathing and moving without anything broken (that I know of...still another CT scan to go before that's final). Yes, my body is absolutely aching and in pain and I'm exhausted all of the time. But I'm glad to be here - heart beating and all.

I still don't have any answers as to why this happened and I failed to mention in my last exhale of frustration via this blog that I don't necessarily want an answer. I don't really need an answer. I'm at rest in that I know God allows things to happen to us for our good and the good of those around us; to glorify Himself. I know that in this time I'm called to lean wholly on the God who saves me, to rest in Him and delight in Him (even through the fog of painkillers).

At night my mind would relentlessly reel the question of, "Did I deserve this? Was this to get my attention to show me I'm doing something wrong?", even though I do not believe that God specifically punishes us through events to get our attention - I think God allows things to happen to us. Of course, I am not here to get into a theological debate. (For the most part, I hate debating.) I've come to the conclusion that I was simply being obedient to God's will, and this was simply an event that I was handed in order to place doubt and confusion in my life and potentially deter me from obedience. Let's let the truth ring free: the enemy will not win. He plays the same tricks over and over, only with a different sticker on the package every time. I'm beginning to see the pattern in my life. Little things here and there to make me doubt a God that is bigger than I will ever be able to fathom. He is a God that gave me grace that I can confidently walk in each day. He is a God that I can lean on and not be disappointed in.

A couple of nights ago I tried to search through the fog again: I opened my bible looking for peace and comfort, the words of a loving Savior. I landed in Psalm 18. This passage has laid my pitter-pattering heart at rest and stopped my ever-wandering mind in its tracks:

"He sent from on high, he took me;
he drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
The Lord dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my
hands he rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of the Lord,
and have not wickedly departed from my God.
For all his rules were before me,
and his statutes I did not put away from me.
I was blameless before him,
and I kept myself from my guilt.
So the Lord has rewarded me according to
my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my
hands in his sight.
With the merciful you show yourself merciful;
with the blameless you show yourself blameless;
with the purified you show yourself pure;
and with the crooked you make
yourself seem tortuous.
For you save a humble people,
but the haughty eyes you bring down.
For it is you who light my lamp;
the Lord my God lightens my darkness.
For by you I can run against a troop,
and by my God I can leap over a wall.
This God-his way is perfect
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those
who take refuge in him.
For who is God but the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God? -
the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless." v.16-32

I know that I have been doing all that I can to obey what God is asking me in my life. I know that my righteousness is found only in Christ and I rest in that. I continue to look to God to heal my aching body and to set my feet on high places and to make my way blameless before Him. He has a plan for my life, and nothing, not even being hit by a car, will deter that.

"The Lord lives, and blessed be my Rock, and exalted be the God of my salvation." Psalm 18:46