In the Fog

Yes, I am alive.

That is not some silly metaphor (or whatever) to state that I'm around, just not blogging. That's a fact, and one I'm holding dear at the moment.

I got hit by a car on the way to work on Wednesday. It really sucked. I considered myself "ok" at the scene, other than shock and adrenaline and pain all over my body. I was walking and breathing in and out and (mostly) interacting with the police and firemen trying to take my vitals.

Right now, I'm not considering myself ok. I am in a lot of pain and emotional stress, but I consider myself blessed and thankful to be alive. I'm still under the lovely effects of painkillers because everything is so messed up in my back and neck.

That fog I am wandering in, however, is making it wicked hard to process what happened. I feel like I haven't seen the face of my God in days, which makes me cry. I cannot bring my emotions to a place of understanding. Perspective is impossible. I'm constantly finding myself in tears, mainly when I'm using the restroom because I'm actually alone with my thoughts (and painkillers). I've tried reading my bible, but my train of thought or focus is impossible to keep. I cannot seem to hold a conversation and I am constantly stopping, unsure of what I was literally just speaking about. That is more frustrating than I can even begin to describe.

All I can say about life right now, is that I'm trying. Trying to lean on my Savior because I know that is the first thing I should do. Trying to understand what happened. Trying to see the good in it all (some of it is easy to spot, but only surfacy things right now). Trying to keep a level head and not freak out. Trying to be patient in prayer while I wait for tests to be done on my ever aching body. Trying.

Tiring. That is what it is.

Always thankful for my family who is taking the time out of life to care for me, and for my countless friends who want to help as well. I'm trying to let you, I promise! I can only handle a little bit of love at a time though, it really is hard to keep up. It's quite amazing to me. All I ask is for prayers right now, that is what I need the most.