Unending, really? Really.

I have been on this justice kick for a while now. I've been reading books, scouring the bible, and educating myself on current social justice issues around the globe. It is clear to me that God is a God of justice.

During this time I have found my prayers circling this basic thought process that God is someone to be reckoned with, that I am to strive with Him, pleading for justice and change and true love and truth to rise up amidst hopelessness and the terrors of our day. As much as persistent prayer is biblical, I felt like my prayers and my motives were lacking something. Something was missing somewhere on my radar and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

It wasn't until a conversation over a beer in a crowded restaurant the other night that it dawned on me via the insight and wisdom from a very dear friend. Carrie is one of the people in my life that shares this passion for social and biblical justice. And because she's been at this longer than I have I am thankful to the bottom of my heart to have her in my life to help guide me.

As we sipped on our beers, we were marveling at the sermons at church as of late and feeling grateful that truth is being spoken in regards to love and justice (see my last blog). As we talked, Carrie brought up a book that she had recently read and a point the author made that turned our conversation upside down for a bit.

The thought was this: unless you fully understand and set your foundation on how much God ACTUALLY loves YOU as an individual (through the gift of Christ's example and sacrifice), you cannot genuinely love others nor can you be effective in doing justice. At least not for very long.

This is not to say that those doing justice who do not know God cannot do any good, but those who do not rest on His foundation and purpose to know His love personally will not be able to last in fervor of service and pure motive. Their "cup" will run out because it is not being continually filled and nourished with God's love in order that love flows out of their life to properly "do justice, correct oppression, bring justice to the fatherless and plead the widow's cause". (And sorry to use such an overused "Christian-y" metaphor, it drives me nuts, but the "cup" makes sense.)

We (at least for Carrie and I) have always heard as we grew up in the church that if you love God, you must love others. But it seems natural and biblical that we should know He first loved us. Unless we know with full assurance and seek out how much God loves us, where will our motives come from? And how quickly will our perseverance run out if we are not resting on that love?

This is hard for me to grasp in some ways because I see many American Christians who take, take, take, receive, receive, receive, and horde, horde, horde. It seems it's therapeutic to be a Christian for so many. It fulfills this surface need to believe in something, gives us hope, forgives our sins and makes us feel like we're a better person for being "religious" or by having "faith". However, in this need to fulfill self we have forgotten to turn around and genuinely give the grace so lavished upon us to our fellow man in need (whether it is spiritual or physical). When I began to notice what was happening around me I felt my own heart go to the extreme of give, give, give. Give your heart, your life, your excess, give out of no excess by faith...and I forgot to continue truly receiving God's love as my source and ability to give and do justice. I felt guilty (and I kid you not) for reading Psalms as a means to draw closer to God. It may sound asinine, but it's true.

A matter of months ago I began to feel guilty for accepting this love and for feeling so good about God's grace and love toward me when I constantly have thoughts in the back of my mind about injustice and the suffering of others in this world. However, it seems I went to the other extreme, one which would lead me down a dead end road of complete exhaustion and more than likely bitterness and hopelessness.

It seems to me that my prayers will shift in content and direction just a few degrees now. The time I spend reading the bible will begin to contain a little bit more reading so that I begin to seek God's love not only for others, but also for my own heart. Because God's love is unending, and that is the foundation upon which I need to stand.

The Spirit of Life

I have been processing and contemplating numerous things these past few weeks. Jesus-Love. Dangerous living. Sacrifice. Right and wrong religion. Justice. Love. Heartache. Social norms and expectations. Coffee. (OK, maybe not coffee, but because I'm sipping coffee at this moment, I figured I'd throw it in there.)

Since my announcement to close the doors on my company I've felt free. Free to pursue what I feel is the absolute passion that lies in the deepest part of my soul. My direction and efforts no longer feel like a means to an end. I haven't been able to fall asleep at night because my mind is racing excitedly about the adventure that lies ahead. I think about advocacy, and justice, and Jesus, and love, and what in the world should love look like? What does God want those things to look like (in my life, in the church)? Who is the real Jesus? I'm talking about the one in the bible, not the one the recent culture of the American "church" has made Him out to be (because for the most part we've done a terrible job at knowing Him and following His example).

Last week I listened to this sermon (entitled: Love as Dogma, November 22, 2009 - um, as well as the week prior by Ed Underwood, amazing), and I simply burned with passion. Tears flowed uncontrollably out of my eyes because we, the church, have lost sight of the beauty of Jesus and His humble example for us. We don't know who He is anymore. We don't know how to follow Him anymore because tradition and our own desires and comfort have gotten in the way. That breaks my heart; I walk around with a nearly consuming sadness inside of me because of that. Really, there are no words to describe it to you properly. I challenge you to take the time and listen to that message.

"Love as Dogma" was yet another defining moment in my pursuit of justice and how I will be able to make an impact in this world for the glory of God. I realized that my life may not consist of being a full time missionary overseas. I still envision my life being dangerous. I still envision going to the places that nobody else wants to go. I still long to meet and love on and provide for those that most everybody else has forgotten about. I want to ask the hard questions in search for the difficult answers. And most importantly, I want to carry their voices to the place that they are scarcely heard: to the United States. That is my passion. I beg you to seek for yours if you haven't found it already.

My heart longs for us to take Jesus for who He actually is and to live love and justice. I want us to question why it is we go to church every day in order that we may actually be the buzz word of our generation: authentic. I want us to question the hurt in this world and to not be overwhelmed at the answer: that we are a part of the problem, and that we can also be a part of the solution. I want us to not be overwhelmed and to simply realize that we, each and every one of us, are created to do something related to biblical justice: whether it is in our immediate sphere of influence and our community, or if it is a radical life comparable to of one of the greats that went before us (Locke, Gandhi, Mandela...).

Let us take courage. Let us ask the hard questions. Let us follow our passions with great fervor. Let us live like we believe our convictions, and let us live that in real love, in Jesus-love.

Oh so sweet :)

I don't know if it is completely nerd-like of me to be stoked about this or not...but a friend of mine was sweet enough to pass on a little bloggy award! Thanks for the love, Lindsay!

Here are the rules that come with the Superior Scribbler award....
1. Each Superior Scribbler that I name today must pass the award on to 5 most-deserving bloggy friends.
2. Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author and the name of the blog from whom she/he has received the award.
3. Each Superior Scribbler must display the award on her blog, and link to this post, which explains the award.
4. Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit This Post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
5. Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

To those that inspire me with their hearts and words, and consistently give me goosebumps (which, by the way, is a good thing!):

Kelly's Blog (I'll link it once I receive permission!)
http://girlfullyalive.blogspot.com/
http://whereherfeetland.blogspot.com/
http://diamondsonhersoles.blogspot.com/
http://relevantdisciple.blogspot.com/ (<-- way to be, Pratt, for being the only dude I know who keeps a blog!)

My thought of the day:

Ponder for a moment how you might fight fatigue in doing good. For instance, maybe we're really nice or helpful to others for a time, and sooner or later we tire of it and continue on about our lives. Does that make sense? Makes your head hurt a little bit, huh? Then maybe, just maybe, it's something you should be thinking about more often. Maybe we should continually strive to do good in this world with authentic acts of kindness and love WITHOUT ulterior motives of any kind...can you even fathom what this world would look like? Yeah, me neither. But we can try to do good. How about you and me, right here, right now, make an effort for our fellow man. Whatever your gifting is, whatever you are good at, use that to help someone or improve their day. Don't try to do something because so-and-so did and that made a difference. We're created unique for a reason (I'll let you ponder my underlying meaning in that and maybe someday soon I'll blog about that, too).

I'll share with you my little bits that I've tried this week:

1. I like to smile. A LOT. So of course I began genuinely smiling at strangers. I'm talking at least two seconds of eye contact and a "hello" or "good afternoon". Ok, that sounds so frickin' cheesy it's not even funny. But it makes you feel good. And sometimes you get a funny response like I did yesterday, this lady just looked at me like I was nuts for the first second of eye contact, and then broke out of her "zone" and smiled back, genuinely. I hope it brightened her day.
2. Writing meaningful letters or emails to friends and family to encourage them.

I don't tell you these things because I want to toot my horn. Not at all. I'm just expressing my belief that even the tiniest acts of kindness matter. You may not be in war zones saving lives (thank you, Veterans) or a missionary in a jungle working as a doctor, or fighting injustice in our legal system...but leading an authentic life of love and kindness is a beautiful thing. And that in and of itself will leave a lasting mark on this earth.

Exhale of Joy

Do you ever wake up from a night of silent, dreamless sleep, and there's nothing you can do except smile as you prepare for the day? You feel an overwhelming sense of peace, a rightness in the world that scarcely makes itself known, a silent rhythm of perseverance.

I had that morning. It lingers. I am exhaling joy.

Granted, there is a story behind this that begs telling.

Justice has been served. In a world teeming with corruption and malice where horrific acts take place more often than we care to ponder; one case of injustice will be set right, at least in the eyes of the law. Words can scarcely make an appeal to my elation. A little girl and her brother will (hopefully) never again be molested. They now have the chance to heal, to make a clean break, and I pray to God that they are given the fullness of that opportunity. Innocence was ripped away without permission and smothered as if it didn't matter. It was concealed and denied. And now the oppressor faces his due punishment, for that I am thankful.

So much is affected by injustice. There is so much to consider. Injustice is not only an act, it is not only a series of: injustice, investigation, justice served. Injustice lingers. It follows lives to their end like a black cloud and sometimes lingers over the following generation of those originally affected. This breaks my heart more than I can elude to on a blog. I simply cannot begin to try.

And when I cannot find the words to speak, to tell a story, I will pen a poem in hopes that some expression will come from my heart that sends the message I intend.

Magnificent is the beat of the heart of Justice
Riding in stronger than the armies of old
Wielding a sharper sword and farther reaching weapons
Than any injustice could imagine
As they creep and hide and commit their crimes
Denying and conspiring that Justice is not great enough
In the darkest corners it ruins and smothers and sabotages
Innocence and rights are laid waste
and left to suffer silently, endlessly, without hope
Until Justice makes a fool of its powerless enemy
By lighting the concealed atrocities and
Ripping apart the haughty enemy
To give due diligence and freedom
healing and hope
to the victims and to the wounded
To sound the song of victory
Making known the all-consuming power
of Justice at its best
A foretelling that injustice will never have the last word
And this time injustice has not seen impunity
It will not be the last
For Justice rides on in triumph

Expressions of passion

I often find myself going through artistic phases: I draw, I sew, I turn old things into new, and sometimes, but more often than not I find myself writing. I have a countless number of journals, four of which I write in consistently (each journal has its very own purpose, of course). The pen to paper is to me romantic, whimsical, meaningful, beautiful and almost forgotten in this era.

I have found myself falling deeper into a love affair with written (even, spoken) expression. To my mom that is no shocker. For as long as I can remember, she’s loved reading my papers in school, the blogs that I now write and everything else that fell in between. For me, I never really noticed how much I loved writing. It is simply a part of who I am. And then I realized it’s a part of who I am. It seems the realization was something I desperately needed.

Admittedly, I am not a very practiced writer, nor do I feel I always have something important to say. There are many times where words are not necessary; the silence, a soft touch or a look might be all the communication that is needed in a moment. However, I have found that there are many, many words that need to be said. There are millions of people every day who do not get to say or write or express what needs to be communicated. Their voices are smothered and silenced. These are the voices of the oppressed. The enslaved. The persecuted. The tortured. The forgotten. I’ve discovered that more important to me than any silk, any beautiful design, any poem is this raging passion to speak for those who do not have the chance.

In order to cultivate this passion (seeing as “cultivate” is the buzzword on this blog) I am headed back to school. This is kind of a hand in hand announcement, I suppose, because this also means I’ll be closing up shop. That’s right, I’m bidding adieu to Ania Designs (and silk, and marketing, and business, and lace…). I have come to realize that when you take time to discover your passion, what truly makes your heart beat, what really sends the blood coursing through your veins, you must take time to cultivate and follow that passion.

Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks ago. I was having a stunning conversation with a friend of mine about love and risk, and even though that was the subject matter in mind when writing, somehow it seems this string of words may fit a number of scenarios. I hope you enjoy.

Life seems to be shades of grey
Seemingly imperfect visions of
What is or is to come
The warmest sun
The coldest wind
Are reminders of truth and reality
Amidst the confusion
As life gives nothing we expect
But all that we hope for
It’s all greyscale
And struggling to find the eye
In the ever pressing storm
The yes and the no
And into the water are only my toes
When deep inside my heart
It screams I should simply jump in
To the dark, the depths, the unknown
That I might explore and taste
Only the most beautiful adventure to be had
A complete surrender and lack of fear
To immerse my life in love and sacrifice

Oh Honesty...

Honesty is the best policy. Tell me you haven't heard that before and I won't believe you. :) It's practically the grade school motto in this country. Somewhere deep inside me I find that it's more than just needing to hear the real truth from someone, more than just being a good citizen, more than just a phrase, more than just honesty and communication in relationships... I find that honesty in the fullness of life is an important thing.

This is why I blog. This is why I drink countless cups of coffee with friends and strangers (who, in turn, become new friends, of course!). This is why I share my heart and beg of others to do the same. I replied to someone's comment on one of my poems a while back with this:

"I see the heart as useless if we do not share it and give others the opportunity to experience who we really are. And by that, experience Christ through us."

This is why I don't cut corners of truth when I'm writing. I feel if you don't see all sides of me (even the far-out-left-field sarcasm and humor I tend to spew out without warning, the moments of ugly and sadness, or the confusion I might be in...) you won't see a real person. You'd see this ridiculously happy, always content and smiling, fake person who "really loves God". And you would despise me.

I don't want fake. I want real. I desire to be real. So when I say what I'm about to, well, you'll know that I'm not lacing my writing with falsehood. And maybe, just maybe, you'll see a little bit of God shining through. Let's see what happens, shall we?

Let's start with the positive, because that's just who I am when it comes down to it. I am stoked out of my mind to start school. I'm so freaking excited I can barely wait until Christmas is over. That's creepy, seeing as that's wishing away a good 3-4 weeks of ski season and because I hate how fast the holidays go every year. I know this little turn of events is something God has been directing me toward, and it excites me to have direction and a long-term commitment ahead of me. (To me, commitment is terrifying at best - so this "four year thing" is a big challenge!) I've spent the past two years unsure of what God wanted of my life, but I have been seeking it as passionately as possible fighting the urge to run at almost every turn. And now I have school to help me continue on a more specific direction toward purpose. It's rather thrilling.

HOWEVER...

I was sipping coffee and reading a blog of a lovely sister/stranger/acquaintance who happens to be serving in Africa this very moment and...well...I cried. Admittedly, her most recent post was tragic and deeply sad, however I felt this other kind of hole inside of my heart. This feeling of, "UGH, WHY THE HECK AM I NOT IN AFRICA?!" I wanted to beat my fists on the floor and let the hot tears take over. I wished and wished I could simply transport myself into the heart of Africa and stay there forever to serve and give my life away and forget about anything our own society tells us is important. My heart is racing because I'm upset. I'm sad that I cannot go right now. I actually mourn the fact that God wants me to do something else right now, even though that something else is exciting to me.

I suppose the only thing I have left to do is wait. I need to allow God to work through what I feel is this funneling of my entire being into something more exquisite than I can imagine. I can only suspect that if you love God, He does that to you, too. It's what my pastor said to me about a week ago: it's a period of delayed gratification. That if only I trust God and believe He is doing what He says He will do, it will be more astounding and fulfilling than I can ever hope. Those are some high stakes, folks. I simply have to wait and hope and trust in Him. And that is what I'm hoping and praying to actually make it through without trying to manipulate things and take control to do it the way I want. Because in the end, I want to glorify God. I want Him to use my life in a way that reflects Him and brings Him praise. No matter if I like it or not at the time (or both of those, in this particular case).

Our Father in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name,
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil
for Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory,
forever and ever, amen.

A Bad Word

Obedience.

You know what I mean. It's not a bad word, but it definitely evokes this feeling inside of you...that gritting-of-the-teeth kind of feeling. I have been thinking about this word a ton lately. In fact, I've been over thinking what obedience is and looks like and should look like... which led me to some peaceful conclusions, but I was left looking at a lot of the small stuff and missing a part of the big picture.

If you've been following my blog you'll know that things haven't exactly played out as I had planned, or even as I thought God had planned for me. And over the last year I've really tried hard to obey the voice of God in my life. More than anything I wanted to be close to Him, and I knew obedience to do some crazy things (like go serve in Africa) would get me there. But when my accident happened I had to rethink some things and examine my motives again. Again. Ugh.

A part of my heart was devoted to Jesus, but I think more of it was devoted to the cause He started. Oswald Chambers said this, "The moment you realize God's purpose, which is to get you rightly related to Himself and then to your fellow men, He will tax the last limit of the universe to help you take the right road." I hope against hope I'm solidifying this in the foundation of my faith that will help me be more and more obedient to God as the days pass.

I was studying and praying this week to prepare to teach on Thursday night. Teaching is not my thing, let's just get that out there. So instead I decided to share my story about what I've been learning about obedience this year. The gist of it being that it's not about what I do, but it's about how much and whether or not I'm being obedient to God. Because obedience is more a state of being that one single action, when you really think about it (or, when you look it up on dictionary.com, as I did and actually learned that's what it meant).

Obedience to God is not about following a kazillion rules to avoid being sent to hell. Obedience is about choosing God always. It's about fully surrendering. It's about finding God's strength to obey when you feel you can't possibly. It's about loving God. And as a result of our obedience we will find our fullness in God because we will trust that His joy is what will make us complete. And His joy is to be glorified. Thus, our lives are to glorify Him no matter what that feels like to us; whether it is joy or sorrow, happiness or mourning, easy or difficult.

I read yet another Chambers devotional and he talked about the fact that we are not in a relationship with God for God to make a success of our lives. Our obedience to God is not the means to an end or means to a successful life. "It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God."

That, friends, is my aim. Deuteronomy 7:9-11

Lions and Tigers and...Back to School? Oh my!

WHAT? Yeah. That's what I keep saying in my head to myself every time I think of it. Back to school. A handful of memories hit my gut when I think about what that actually means. Midterms. Finals. Labs. All nighters. Writing. More coffee than my system can actually handle. Financial aid. Grants. Deadlines. Procrastination. Study groups. Labs. Paperwork. The list goes on.

But it's not just about these things. It's the education, the process of learning that is what excites me. It's so important, not just in college, but every day beyond to continually educate oneself. And there is one word that comes to mind when I think about education: becoming.

I have spent the last six years as a single woman (single for the most part, anyway). I've learned about God and people. I've learned about myself. I have experienced a very full and rewarding life with a couple of different careers. It's all been a part of my becoming process. I'm becoming more and more the woman that God intends me to be. He's turned my heart to be passionate about His children. He's turned my heart to seek justice. And throughout this time, though I've been on a leave of absence from school, I found that I do not like idleness of any kind. I've made it a purpose to learn and grow as a person.

And now, this woman has found what her passion is (for the most part) and it's time to sink back into formal education, only this time with purpose and meaning. This time there will be passion and direction guiding the knowledge that will pour into my mind.

I'm taking my first class since 2005 in just a couple of weeks. It's a class on the history of human rights (shocked? Didn't think so). And then in the spring I'll be taking on more general ed, and next fall begins the fun stuff: the journey to a degree in Intercultural Communications through Oregon State. SWEET.

I'm no Superwoman, but at least when I am out in this world the education I have will propel me to work smarter, harder and more effectively for God's kingdom.

PS. I'm still planning on Africa. As a team, my attorney and I decided it's probably best for me to stick around until this settlement process is over. But guess what? As soon as it is, this girl is crossing the ocean for a year(ish). It'll be a different kind of education, but it will be a beautiful addition to the path of life God has me on.

Thank you. Heartfelt-style.

I need to say one. more. time. how appreciative I am of all that attended the awareness event at the Kilns last night. How blessed I feel that you took the time to come out and educate yourselves and use the power of your voice to help promote change in this world.

That is beauty.

That is love.

Thank you.

Imagine what Marie-Jeanne, or any of the women from that video would feel if they knew we were watching and crying with them? Hoping to help them? Doing what we can? Her heart would be filled with hope. My hope is that it already is because her story was finally told.

The advocacy team at WRN screened the movie about a week prior to the showing, and we sat around to process and talk and share our hearts afterward about how we can empower you (the attendee) and not leave you feeling hopeless. And so, I felt lead to simply try and encourage those that came to the event. I spent two nights and one afternoon in solitude simply praying and writing and reading different parts of books and the word to find anything to help. Anything to ease the pain from watching such a horrific truth laid out before your eyes.

But when I got up in front of everyone, I felt overwhelmed. I felt lacking. Speaking in front of people isn't that big a deal to me, but you all were different. You were aching and crying and looked hollow with pain, or angry - all of the emotions I saw in front of me were profound. God is stirring something in your hearts. I encourage you one more time to write it down, consistently pray for that, pray for the people, and ask God what justice should look like in your life, because it will most likely be different from the man or woman who sat next to you last night. May God lift your soul, speak to you, and give you the strength to continue to do good.

Life at its _____

You fill in the blank for yourself. For me, I hear a number of words pop into my head to fit that phrase right now, two of which I'll detail out.

"finest"
"most confusing state ever"

Those both apply right now in some way or another. We'll start with the "finest".

I had a three+ hour date with my baby sister yesterday (sheer awesomeness). It's strange calling her my baby sister sometimes because she's married and doing all of these grown up things...and I'm the middle child of the family that lives life one day at a time. (I'm the free-spirited, traveling, seasonal/part-time job-er that volunteers for NPOs and wants to go into missions overseas. I don't think it's what my parents really expected me to turn out like! But I love it and I think they do, too.)

Anyway, as we sat and talked I got to tell her about how completely satisfied I am because of God right now. There is no other source of joy in my life. I realized that I cannot possibly love anyone more, and I am even finding that may be true one day when I get married. I think God intended it that way. God has this plan for my life, and I'm enjoying Him and the daily obedience that comes with that.

At it's finest = God's joy.

"Most confusing state ever"

Obviously the beginning of this blog was the beginning of my journey to Africa and all that God was revealing to me in the process. Well...right now I'm stuck. If you remember, back in June I got to meet the grill of an SUV in a very rude manner. This leaves me in the middle of a settlement process that, as far as I know, keeps me in the US until it's over (pending a final answer from my attorney at the moment). BLAH. Totally not cool.

So I looked God in the face the other day and said, "Now what?" I'm here for who knows how long. Don't get me wrong, I adore Bend. My family (immediate and my church) is here. My friends and my life are here. So, as I'm "stuck" I find myself asking God daily, "What's on the agenda today?" I wonder, how can I be obedient to Him in every moment of my life, while still exuding social justice, advocating and doing ministry? What does He want me to do here now that there's no "end date" to my time in the US.

Even though this "roadblock" is confusing, it's beautiful to me. I feel God is revealing this secret to me, this wonderful adventure in this one little place on earth. I see opportunities in ministry coming about, opportunities to learn (potentially going back to school on a part time basis...if I can find the funds for it), and so much more.

Yes, life is confusing in that things aren't turning out how I expected thus far, but life is so abundant in lessons and beauty I cannot begin to recount them here for it would take far too long.

Hebrews 10:19-25 is my current favorite encouragement. Take a gander at it.

The Impeccable Timing of God

Admittedly, I've been pretty frustrated the past few weeks about the timing of my trip to Africa, and the beginning of this journey. It's something God has promised me. I'm not really too worried about it never happening, I've simply been chomping at the bit for the day I leave. Not impatience per se, but full of anticipation and excitement.

During this time, I've been continuing on in my "scribe project". Which on my own terms I'm way behind on because I couldn't sit up in a chair or read let alone read and write for more than a few minutes after the accident. I started again the other day in Genesis 12 where I left off. The timing was absolutely divine.

The story of Abram really begins to unfold in chapter 12:1-9. The thing I noticed that got my mind reeling, and then quiet enough to hear God was this:

1. God appeared to Abram and gave him a promise (the land and offspring)
2. Abram worshiped God (responded)
3. Abram continued on his journey (even though the promised land was right there)
4. God said "I will" do this, it wasn't right that second, other things had to unfurl first

I realized in this moment that I had been putting this time line of my own to a promise God had given me (my trip to Africa). Though logical as far as the eye can see, God had another idea in mind (although His idea is still a bit of a mystery to me). Yes, my seasonal job ends in September, the event I'm helping out with is at the end of October, and then I was free as a bird to leave. However, to be honest with you all, funds are simply not lining up as fast as I had planned on. Getting hit by a car and not working for almost a month also put a damper on that plan.

My heart was suddenly at rest because I saw something God wanted me to: I didn't have to follow a time line! I keep saying, "My life is a blank white slate when I get home from Africa" as in, I have no plans, there is nothing in the way of God doing what He wants (except for myself, ironically). I realized that I don't have to do all of these things so fast and close together. My trip doesn't have to depart at a particular time because my life is ALREADY a blank white slate. God's working His plan out. I simply need to respond to that promise and continue on.

The funny thing about hearing all of this on Tuesday: just after I had this "epiphany", I went to a meeting for the Congo Benefit Concert and the date was moved out to December 6th instead of October 25. What a wonder that God gave me peace before that, otherwise I would have probably thrown a silly fit.

So, for those of you keeping track, my trip will be delayed about 6 weeks(ish). I wonder what in the world God is doing as this time passes by. It'll be fun to watch and see...because God has promised me other things that seem to be coming to fruition in the current time(ish).

Smiles all around.

:)

Justice

Justice:

–noun

1.	the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness: to uphold the justice of a cause.

2.	rightfulness or lawfulness, as of a claim or title; justness of ground or reason: to complain with justice.

3.	the moral principle determining just conduct.

4.	conformity to this principle, as manifested in conduct; just conduct, dealing, or treatment.

5.	the administering of deserved punishment or reward.

6.	the maintenance or administration of what is just by law, as by judicial or other proceedings: a court of justice.

7.	judgment of persons or causes by judicial process: to administer justice in a community.

"To look for justice is a sign of deflection of devotion to Him. Never look for justice in this world, but never cease to give it." -Chambers

That quote hurts my head. I'm not even kidding. Currently I am on a massive hunt for the real definition of justice according to what God says in the bible. Yeah, there are these fabulous detailed definitions on dictionary.com, but it's vague, and very human. When I see the atrocities and horrors of what is happening in the DR Congo, I get angry. I want punishment. But I also long for mercy and grace to be poured out and for healing to happen. I battle internally about the meaning of justice in relation to this kind of situation.

In my off time, I volunteer for World Relief Next in a couple of areas. One area is for women's advocacy. There are a few of us who are working on how to advocate and get the word out about this particular fact:

currently the worst place to be a woman is the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

However, not only do we need to advocate, but we need to educate and engage those we share with. And to properly do this, we need to know what God says about justice. This means that Natischa, Darcy and myself (and for the rest of her internship with Antioch Church, the lovely Katy) will be starting to study what biblical justice is. I will keep you posted on thoughts of justice and scriptures that we have found as we do this. I really hope it changes my heart more toward God's heart.

On the road again

I have decided that this accident will not deter me. I knew from the beginning it wouldn't mess up my trip to Africa. I knew I would recover. In my personal opinion, I think I'll be up and running, officially, in a few weeks with some lingering physical therapy and chiropractic work. Granted, I didn't really expect to be out of commission for so long, but I'm thankful it wasn't worse. That keeps me quite happy.

However... (oh, you knew a "however" was coming). I'll let you in on this: as sunny and positive as I occur in my natural state, I have not been that way since my accident. I don't feel that way, at least. My two most difficult struggles through this trial are these:

1. Continually keeping my focus on God. Yes, you heard me right, it has been so very difficult, and I've failed many of these days.
2. Being positive is not naturally occurring. I'm sad more than I'm happy right now. I'm really disliking that, and also feel like a failure for feeling that way.

Psalm 27 has been my delight the past couple of days. Finding God in the mess of my life has been harder than I ever imagined, especially since I was happily moving through life loving God more than I ever had in my life up until that moment. Not only am I undergoing physical therapy...I feel like I'm going through spiritual therapy. I'm trying to get back to where I was before when I would long for moments of prayer, for moments to soak in the richness of scripture. Well, where I would long for them more than I do right now, anyway.

I'm trying...still. And I'm trying to be still. And I'm trying to seek the face of my Hosanna, my Rock, my Savior every time I become frustrated and angry tears roll down my cheeks.

That is the messiness of my life. Welcome. :)

P.S. I may have happened upon a friend who wants to go with me to Africa. Stay tuned for details and PRAY! It's exciting!

More Prayer

This girl needs prayer. Whew. Obviously I've had quite the rough and tumble week. It's not every day I get hit by a car and walk away. I was talking with Beth earlier today and she just smiled at me, "God is doing something huge in your life, Bo-nanne. It's written all over you." This statement followed by, "Are you starting to pull out of this accident what you need to learn?" I laughed. Not even in the slightest, I don't think. I want to have an answer, or some sort of life wisdom to pull from it, I just haven't figured it out yet. I haven't let my thoughts and emotions get to the point of needing the answer so bad that is debilitating. I'm simply resting and praying that God would show me in His timing. That seems to be my answer right now. Everything comes with God's timing and attention to perfect detail.

I'm still in the place of life I mentioned in my "Growing Pains" note: working my 8-5 job, volunteering where I can, doing ministry where I'm called...and all of it seeming so fleeting because all of this world will pass away at some point. And what I'm left with is the cross, and what I'm left doing is clinging to it for dear life - in a beautiful way. God has it all in order for me. Slowly my control-freak personality is wasting away (I hear her screaming as she falls off a cliff...wait, wait, that was a bit morbid, let me try again: I hear her fading quietly as if I were turning down the volume on the TV before it mutes altogether. There!). I still don't know what's ahead after Africa, or if there is an "after", maybe I am supposed to be there for the rest of my life. Who knows. The joy I have right now is completely and solely in Christ.

All of that to be said...I need prayer. Prayer that I would continue to cling to the cross, that I would rest in the assurance that God will bring along the perfect amount of support for this trip, that I would trust Him and love Him, that my heart would be prepared for the work He has for me each day (now and in Africa). Oh, and that my body would find recovery and healing, soon. Although I'm enjoying the rest, the pain is really difficult to manage and deal with.

Thank you, prayer warriors. You are such a blessing.

Holy Smokes

I am blessed to have some amazing friends, gifted by God almighty. Please, spread the word, tell your friends, blog about it, tweet it, Facebook it, Myspace it, email BLAST it. This is a video for the Enough Project to spread the news about the war in Congo and how we are ALL CONNECTED to destruction and violence.

BE A VOICE.

ENOUGH FINAL ENTRY from emote360 on Vimeo.

For the Win

I cannot even begin to tell you how many people have encouraged me with stories of life and of God and his faithfulness through our trials. I still feel I don't have much room to complain, I walked away from this accident breathing and moving without anything broken (that I know of...still another CT scan to go before that's final). Yes, my body is absolutely aching and in pain and I'm exhausted all of the time. But I'm glad to be here - heart beating and all.

I still don't have any answers as to why this happened and I failed to mention in my last exhale of frustration via this blog that I don't necessarily want an answer. I don't really need an answer. I'm at rest in that I know God allows things to happen to us for our good and the good of those around us; to glorify Himself. I know that in this time I'm called to lean wholly on the God who saves me, to rest in Him and delight in Him (even through the fog of painkillers).

At night my mind would relentlessly reel the question of, "Did I deserve this? Was this to get my attention to show me I'm doing something wrong?", even though I do not believe that God specifically punishes us through events to get our attention - I think God allows things to happen to us. Of course, I am not here to get into a theological debate. (For the most part, I hate debating.) I've come to the conclusion that I was simply being obedient to God's will, and this was simply an event that I was handed in order to place doubt and confusion in my life and potentially deter me from obedience. Let's let the truth ring free: the enemy will not win. He plays the same tricks over and over, only with a different sticker on the package every time. I'm beginning to see the pattern in my life. Little things here and there to make me doubt a God that is bigger than I will ever be able to fathom. He is a God that gave me grace that I can confidently walk in each day. He is a God that I can lean on and not be disappointed in.

A couple of nights ago I tried to search through the fog again: I opened my bible looking for peace and comfort, the words of a loving Savior. I landed in Psalm 18. This passage has laid my pitter-pattering heart at rest and stopped my ever-wandering mind in its tracks:

"He sent from on high, he took me;
he drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
The Lord dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my
hands he rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of the Lord,
and have not wickedly departed from my God.
For all his rules were before me,
and his statutes I did not put away from me.
I was blameless before him,
and I kept myself from my guilt.
So the Lord has rewarded me according to
my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my
hands in his sight.
With the merciful you show yourself merciful;
with the blameless you show yourself blameless;
with the purified you show yourself pure;
and with the crooked you make
yourself seem tortuous.
For you save a humble people,
but the haughty eyes you bring down.
For it is you who light my lamp;
the Lord my God lightens my darkness.
For by you I can run against a troop,
and by my God I can leap over a wall.
This God-his way is perfect
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those
who take refuge in him.
For who is God but the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God? -
the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless." v.16-32

I know that I have been doing all that I can to obey what God is asking me in my life. I know that my righteousness is found only in Christ and I rest in that. I continue to look to God to heal my aching body and to set my feet on high places and to make my way blameless before Him. He has a plan for my life, and nothing, not even being hit by a car, will deter that.

"The Lord lives, and blessed be my Rock, and exalted be the God of my salvation." Psalm 18:46

In the Fog

Yes, I am alive.

That is not some silly metaphor (or whatever) to state that I'm around, just not blogging. That's a fact, and one I'm holding dear at the moment.

I got hit by a car on the way to work on Wednesday. It really sucked. I considered myself "ok" at the scene, other than shock and adrenaline and pain all over my body. I was walking and breathing in and out and (mostly) interacting with the police and firemen trying to take my vitals.

Right now, I'm not considering myself ok. I am in a lot of pain and emotional stress, but I consider myself blessed and thankful to be alive. I'm still under the lovely effects of painkillers because everything is so messed up in my back and neck.

That fog I am wandering in, however, is making it wicked hard to process what happened. I feel like I haven't seen the face of my God in days, which makes me cry. I cannot bring my emotions to a place of understanding. Perspective is impossible. I'm constantly finding myself in tears, mainly when I'm using the restroom because I'm actually alone with my thoughts (and painkillers). I've tried reading my bible, but my train of thought or focus is impossible to keep. I cannot seem to hold a conversation and I am constantly stopping, unsure of what I was literally just speaking about. That is more frustrating than I can even begin to describe.

All I can say about life right now, is that I'm trying. Trying to lean on my Savior because I know that is the first thing I should do. Trying to understand what happened. Trying to see the good in it all (some of it is easy to spot, but only surfacy things right now). Trying to keep a level head and not freak out. Trying to be patient in prayer while I wait for tests to be done on my ever aching body. Trying.

Tiring. That is what it is.

Always thankful for my family who is taking the time out of life to care for me, and for my countless friends who want to help as well. I'm trying to let you, I promise! I can only handle a little bit of love at a time though, it really is hard to keep up. It's quite amazing to me. All I ask is for prayers right now, that is what I need the most.

Growing Pains

"Growing Pains"

As soon as you read that phrase, I'm pretty sure your instinctual reaction is, "Uuuugh." Well, it's mine. It's a groan of frustration and underlying tones of excitement. You see, right now I'm in this phase. With my life and my business...it may as well be stamped on my forehead for all to see.

One thing is for certain: I'm off to Africa. Right now most of my free time is spent planning and praying about it. Moving forward one baby step at a time. The other things: ministry in Bend, my career, whether or not I'm headed back to school next year (gasp...), all of the above...all I see is a BLANK. WHITE. SLATE.

I don't know what God wants me to do with my company. I've literally given it back to Him until He either returns it to me, or strips it from my life entirely to give me new purpose. Either way, I'm thrilled. I am glad He guides me through this decision. It's a big deal. I have people ask me all of the time how Ania is doing, and if the company is progressing, and I can't give them a logical answer. Not even close. I shrug my shoulders and tell them for now, my life is about serving, and if God decides to wrap up my passion for Africa with my company after I get home, then fabulous. If not, something more beautiful is about to unfold in my life.

Here is my poem for today, I wrote it as I passed time in a meeting before I was needed (my head was swimming with questions and thoughts and I wanted to cry...so I had to write):

Growing pains

my mind reels
through the night
as the morning arrives
and dawn breaks through
the darkest night

decisions swaying
slowly at the front of
my ever wandering mind
how this, when that
and the questions
I am asked
I cannot seem to answer

it's that place I'm in
growing pains
not knowing
only seeing a white slate

and the immediate is
all that I can hold onto
grace is all that I can grasp
and Christ is my only
sure answer
satisfying to my soul

Faithful

faithful:
1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.
2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.
3. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends.
4. reliable, trusted, or believed.
5. adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy.

I was sweetly reminded of God's faithfulness last night. You see, a couple of years ago I went through a really difficult time. My career tanked, I lost my house, I lost everything. I was at rock bottom in so many ways. When all of that crashed down I was left looking at God and astounded at my own idiocy. I had been depending solely upon myself for everything, which God did not find amusing. My response was simple and to the point: I needed God back at number one. I needed to depend on Him rather than myself. And I needed to serve Him and others before myself.

However, months later, after an internship with the church and working with the college ministry, I found myself floundering. I was lost, regardless of how many wonderful friends I had to encourage me. That was the problem. I had friends, no mentors. I had my parents, but no outside wisdom. Don't get me wrong, my parents and friends are the bomb diggity and were so supportive it absolutely rocked my world, but I still craved time and wisdom from a woman who had already been through it all. A sounding board. And not only did I feel I was missing that in my life, I kept hearing of many other young women who craved that as well. So I began to pray.

Now, fast forward to this spring.

Suddenly in a matter of two weeks, and after a year of wonderment at why God put that on my heart, God gave me a vision and desire to start a women's group. A gathering to facilitate genuine fellowship, to grow relationships, to study the word and seek out God's wisdom - and just for the summer months until our fall community groups at church began again. I couldn't help but obey, even though I wondered if I would have the time or energy to do that on top of planning for Africa. I tried to rely my faith and on the strong belief I have about balance in ministry: that wherever I am, I am called to serve; that no matter if I am planning on serving overseas, I still have work to do at home.

After much prayer and preparation, our first gathering arrived. And let me tell you:

God. Is. Faithful.

We had fourteen women of all ages attend, and we got to know one another, we got to study the word and seek wisdom...and it was so real. I felt a fullness and joy to the depths of my soul like I have never felt before. When God says that He is our ultimate satisfaction, He's not kidding. This understanding in my heart about servanthood and love, and a heart desiring God, it has never been more alive to me than right now.

If that was the first gathering of the summer...then holy smokes, my imagination will run wild with all of the amazing things God will do in the future.

It's not about what you do

That's been the entire theme of God's words to me this week. From encouragement flowing from my friends to the sermons I have listened to, the devotions I am reading, and the scripture I have been digging through. It's not about what you do. It's about following Christ, abiding in Him (Colossians 3:1-4), allowing Christ to live through your life during the day to day, in the small stuff (2 Peter 1:3-10), and knowing that your value and worth reside solely in Him and in the cross.

I have been so focused on Africa, this "big sacrifice of time and self", this trip that I hoped would help define my life and give it purpose, make meaning of my faith...that I had it backwards.

My whole life and purpose is Christ, and what follows after that is only an outpouring of His love through my obedience. That is what it's about.

"My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers is easily my favorite devotional, actually I am pretty sure it is the only one I own. He said it wonderfully:

"The mark of a saint is the moral originality which springs from abandonment to Jesus Christ. In the life of a saint there is this amazing wellspring of original life all the time; the Spirit of God is a well of water springing up, perennially fresh. The saint realizes that it is God who engineers circumstances, consequently there is no whine, but a reckless abandonment to Jesus. Never make a principal out of your experience; let God be as original with other people as He is with you."

The War and the Never-ending To-do List

Somehow I feel like I'm sitting at the base camp of an enormous mountain - wind blowing in my hair, heart pounding, and pondering what the adventure holds for me as I prepare to climb. I wonder about the challenges, the not-so pretty moments, the tough moves, the bravery and the gear I'll need, and I imagine the beauty of the light of the sun as it rises to shine on the mountain during the climb. I wonder how well my body, soul and mind will fare.

This was the feeling I encountered last night. Africa is my mountain right now. There's a never ending list of questions in my head that I need to ask someone who's been there, yet I simply haven't had the time. There is so much to be done and a lot of support to finish raising. There is one more sewing class I need to teach, but haven't finished the logistics and prepared sign ups. I have packing and insurance and inoculations and plane tickets to figure out...and then last night I realized that I'm leaving in 4 and a half months.

Part of me feels overwhelmed, that is the retired event planner.

Part of me feels at peace, that is the daughter of a King.

And part of me feels the war beginning to wage once more.

Not the same tactics as last time (view post here), but definitely the same war. It seems that one will never end. I had a quiet rest come over the waters of my stormy and emotional heart after I wrote that last bit. I enjoyed the peace and the comfort of my Savior walking at my side; He will always satisfy. Unfortunately my humanity tells me otherwise and manages to pull the wool over my eyes for a brief moment. I oftentimes tell myself that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass.

And then, through all of the items on the to-do list and through the war, I look my God in the face and understand He is my beginning and end, my soul's desire and that my life at all times is an offering to Him. That mountain in front of me is what He has planned, every little step and challenge along the way is a journey I share with Him. It's finding myself in His hands and in His heart. That is all that matters.

Moments

I wonder sometimes where all of my days have gone. The summer days that slip by, the calendars marked with social events and business agendas, the passing of time counted by life events. I've been so busy lately that I feel I haven't had time to soak it in. To take a moment and capture the essence via every single one of my senses and cherish it before moving on to the next. Taking a moment like you would under a blossoming cherry tree in the spring, inhaling deeply, exhaling, letting the imagination run while getting lost in the texture and color of each little flower...

I've finished the majority of my work for the year with my company and am simply working full time at a fab local company until the end of September, as I had originally planned. That way when I leave for Africa, I'm not feeling tied down or distracted when I get there. I want to be free to cherish the moments I encounter like I would with that cherry tree.

I want to meet women and hear their stories of life and rejoice with them as they discover new hope and opportunities. I want to experience through their words and their hearts the tragedies they've encountered and for that to change the way I view my life. Not only do I want to learn, I want to be able to impact these women, even in the smallest of ways. By looking them in the eyes, smiling like I mean it. By listening to their stories in hopes that they feel heard and that they know they matter. I want to be able to teach and offer my talents to them so that they can grow in their own lives.

I want a lot of things for this trip, but I desire that God would fulfill these and glorify Himself. Because that, in the end, is all that will matter. And each of those moments that He offers to me will be sweeter than any cherry tree I stand under.

Legacy

I just had a fab conversation with my Aunt about Africa the other morning. Oh how I am glad this post is not going to be in video, because I couldn't make it through without crying. My late grandfather had a friend named Don who had a heart for Africa, and since 2000 has spent much time devoted to a village in Uganda.

I'll give you a brief version of the story: Art (my grandpa) and Don were supposed to take off for Africa in 2003, however my grandpa's health had been deteriorating in the couple of years prior. His health worsened too much to go on the trip. Regardless of his health, he helped provide funds to create a clean water system for this village.

That Christmas, months after Don went on the trip, our entire family, the kids and grandkids were all together for one last Christmas with grandpa. He wasn't expected to last much longer the way his health was declining. The day after Christmas (or right around there) he got a card in the mail with an overwhelming heart-felt thank you card and photos from this village in Uganda of the fruit of his giving. Only a few days later he passed away. What a blessing for him to see that and to days later meet his Maker.

I only hope I can continue on in this legacy of self-sacrifice and generosity; to seek justice for the oppressed, to plead the cause of the orphan and widow. (James 1:27)

(*I'm trying to find the photos from that card, as soon as I do I'll post them up here)

The Unsearched Soul

Lost, downtrodden, empty
She aches
Forgotten, oppressed, confused
She agonizes

Forgiveness she's never known
Embittered, her heart
She stands tall, shaking
Facing evil, staring at death

The eyes of her enemy show no mercy

The unsearched soul begs comfort,
Petitions justice,
Pleads healing,
Implores saving

Afflicted, abused, unknown
She cries
Alone, sobbing, lacking
She longs

The unsearched soul
Feels a breeze
Catches a glimpse
Hope that shines
Healing that cleans
Love that fills
The greatest void

Firm she stands
Truth she holds
Love she exudes
Forgiveness she extends

I wrote this a while back after a massive influx of information on FGM. It breaks my heart and absolutely fuels my desire to go and offer my life and all that God has given to me to women across the world. This CNN article also played a role in the poem.

My People

I want to introduce you to some people who have influenced my life in amazing ways. If you ever visit Bend, you'll want to try and meet them, you would not be disappointed. There are a twenty five other people I could list, quite easily...and it's not that I don't want to mention them, I am simply going to keep it somewhat narrowed to this particular area of my heart for Africa. Some of them have nicknames, I thought it important to share :)

Elizabeth (Beth, BS, Bess(ie), BethAnne): Meet Beth. Her namesake: Consecrated to God. This woman is definitely living that out, and I think her parents knew she would. I used to live with Beth for about two years. She's been my big sis ever since, and I love her dearly. She's a video cowgirl, frickin' amazingly talented video editor, travels the world, loves Jesus like crazy, and inspires me to follow the passion deep in my heart. Oh, and she always knows what you need to hear from God, whether she's conscious of it or not. And she says the funniest things in private and loves being vague and ambiguous.

Sarah M: My soul sister. We honestly cannot remember how we met (probably a human rights function of some kind or another), about a year ago or so. She's passionate about art, true beauty and love. She LOVES Africa (ask to see her tattoo). Her life goal (in my eyes) is to show the world truth and Christ through art and personal surrender to His direction in her life. We always drink nutty love mochas at Thump, and only drink them with each other, it's our treat to ourselves. We usually spend that time talking about two things: boys and Africa. ;)

Lauren (Lo): I feel I cannot quite sum Lauren up in a paragraph. I shake my head at how amazing she is just thinking about her. A soul filled with passion for Christ and for His children. A devoted wife and incredible mother. She has the most beautiful voice I have ever heard, and writes songs that could bring a terrorist to tears all while giving a remarkable description of God's love for us. I love to sit at her home, or Sparrow Bakery and enjoy soaking in her wisdom about life. She has a lot of it. She is the Proverbs 31 woman.

Benjamin (Benny Boy, Bro - yeah, I got real creative there, didn't I?): Husband of Lauren. Very much my big brother in many ways: silly remarks about the last date I went on, or sound wisdom about life and business, or brilliant ideas. Genuine and kind-hearted, passionate and full of adventure, this guy you must meet. He's the kind of guy that is married to the Proverbs 31 woman that you hear his name at the gates and he is respected. In fact, if you attend my wedding some day you'll get to meet this husband and wife duo of awesomeness, because he's not only passionate about photographing for God and using his gifts to share with the world, but they are rockstar wedding photogs. I can't imagine my life without them, whether I am in the states or in some far off country, I know we'll always be friends. (And Ben? I'll keep the diarrhea joke to myself.)

Ann (that fiery Irish woman): In the short time I've known this woman, she has simply STEPPED IN. In a good way, of course. We share a passion for Africa, advocacy, people and Christ. She is another woman I can gladly say is now like family to me. She's easily embarrassed me in front of approximately 60 people by calling out, "Hey Annie-bo-nannie!" in her sweet accent just after the room went dead silent for some unknown reason. You can't have family without a moment like that! Anyway, she's always there to tell me how it is. She even said last week that if I didn't see God still desires me to go to Africa, she'd smack me on the head until I got it. Needless to say, I got it ;) She is a great encourager and supporter, a mother of two absolutely darling kiddos (one of whom she calls "chicken" as a pet name), and wife to a rad and hilarious dude, Mike. She loves that I am a very logistical person, and I love that she has an awesome accent. Those are the same, right?!

Darcy (hot momma, ladybug): I call her hot momma for a reason. She's drop dead gorgeous, blond, stunning blue eyes, and she's REAL, unlike the barbie dolls you see in Target. But WAY WAY WAY WAY more than that, she's passionate about human rights and stopping injustices. She does everything she can to educate herself about these things and searches high and low until she finds answers, or more knowledge, or a way to help. It rocks my world. We love to have strongcoffee and or breakfast together while her son plays with water in the sink. We talk about life, and Africa, and women (not gossipping, but women in Africa and all over the world who face atrocities every day), and boys, and Courtney and I help her plan date nights for her hubby. (Courtney is another amazing woman, passionate like crazy about human rights and loves Jesus, and simply wants the world to know. She's not shy about it, and I LOVE that about her!).

Sam and Katie: I have to put these girls together. One, because they are roomies (MY roomies!!). And two, because I'm realizing I can't just say one brief sentence about everyone and suddenly this blog is gonna take you an hour to read. These girls are
A
M
A
Z
I
N
G.
They love Jesus like crazy. They follow their passions. They tell me the truth, give their opinions, and then they let me make my decisions without passing judgment. Well, you know in a healthy way I pass my thoughts and stuff by them, because I respect them greatly. Sam daily fights for women to be respected and to not be objectified, whether that is outside of a bar on a Friday night or not. She tells it like it is. And she drinks whiskey like I do. Straight, room temp. :) Katie, is a beautiful single mom who is tougher than nails (oops, almost cussed, haha!). I don't think many women can compare to her strength and dignity after having gone through such a craphole of a time. But she leaned on Christ and here she is today, passionate, joyful and RAD. Oh, and she is an incredibly talented (and those descriptors are not strong enough) makeup artist, and she does all of my waxing, THAT is something else. I love me some smooth legs! The three of us have an awesome time together and we can laugh and joke like nobody's business.

Kathleen: This woman loves the word of God. I feel like that's almost all I need to say. I've never been so inspired to read scripture before - even the seemingly obscure stuff like the minor prophets (I say that in a jabbing tone, please understand: I love sarcasm(to an extent) hehe). We have been reading the word together every Thursday morning for like, a year now, at 6am (sometimes 6:10 or 6:27) at Thump, the baddest coffee shop in the whole dang town. And recently we have decided to embark on a three-point-two-five year adventure: copying the bible, word for word, in our own handwriting by doing one chapter per day. It's probably one of the coolest things I'll ever do in my life. I'm excited to see how God enriches my life through this divinely inspired adventure. I'm glad she's the one doing it with me, because holy smokes she knows her bible. When you meet her, I dare you to ask her a question that will spark a theological debate. You'll have fun. :)

Sydney (Sugarbear): This is my precious niece. I never thought I could love someone so much. Seriously. She's hilarious, absolutely stunningly beautiful, and she makes me want to fight for every single orphan on the planet. She makes me want to further pursue justice and show God's redemption. She makes me want to love people more and more every moment I see her and watch her sweet face as she giggles. She is the little children that Jesus talks about.

I sincerely hope you get to meet these people some day, if you haven't already. AMAZING.

Share the Congo With Your Friends

Hey all, take a gander at the video here:

WORLD RELIEF CONGO from emote360 on Vimeo.

This video was done by my BS (big sistah) Elizabeth Fischer and Benjamin Edwards (my BB, or big brother), both of which I love dearly. This was done on behalf of World Relief NEXT. Tell your friends about this video. This is real time. This isn't some faraway story. It isn't impossible to have a positive effect in this region from your living room or your local community. If you think so, ask me and I'll be happy to tell you you're mistaken.

You.

CAN.

HELP. ASSIST. ALLEVIATE. FIGHT. LOVE. RELIVE.

I know we're all concerned about the journalists in North Korea, and whether or not they will get a fair trial. Believe me, I'm following their story...but these people you see? The faces here on this video? It breaks my heart that hardly anyone knows the injustice and horror they face every day. That 5.4 million people have died because of the atrocities in this area.

Please pray, if nothing else, please pray.

"Taken"

Last night I watched "Taken" with my roommate Sam (she is a stellar, passionate woman of God and I adore the heck out of her!). We had a phenomenal conversation earlier in the evening about justice and mercy while we were on a short hike, which ended up being a great precursor to this movie. The two of us simply raged at the injustices in this movie, because both of us know full well that the images and stories in this movie, though maybe not based on a true account, are based on actual events that occur every moment of every day on this earth. It absolutely breaks my heart.

Human trafficking and the sex slave trade are among some of the most difficult things for me to grasp (there are dozens more). The fact that someone can objectify, enslave, oppress and annihilate another human life in such horrific ways is absolutely beyond me. My heart absolutely breaks within me. Any time I narrow in on injustices and spend time researching and reading ghastly amounts of accounts and statistics I begin to over think my calling in life.

I spent some time reading in Hebrews and 2 Peter this morning as the sun rose (while also drinking a half pot of coffee...but nobody should be surprised at that!). In 2 Peter 1:5-10 it says this:

⁵For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, ⁶and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, ⁷and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. ⁸For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.

¹⁰Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.

I was simply reminded that it is not necessarily exactly what we are doing for God's Kingdom, but the heart out of which we are doing it with. God first wants me to love Him, and the rest will essentially follow. I know for a fact that Christ is my all, that He is all I need to survive in this life. Nothing else will fulfill my desires like the sacrifice He made for me. So whether I am at home in Bend or working in Africa, I know that I'm serving Christ with a heart of gratitude and passion with what I've been given (1 Peter 4:10), and that is the most important calling on my life.

Refresher

Last night I went to one of my favorite places in Bend. A hidden little place called O'Kanes. For those of you that do not live in Bend, I'll paint you a picture: They serve good, handcrafted beer with a small indoor seating area heated by a huge fireplace, and the best quality about the place? Outside. A large brick patio with enormous enclosed fire pits and plenty of propane heaters to keep you toasty on a chilly evening. Most of my nights there consist of long conversations about life by the fire, sipping on a beer and gazing at the gorgeous star-studded sky. Last night was no exception.

I ran into an old friend and his girlfriend there and as we caught up on life, of course, Africa came up. They asked why I was going, where, what I would be doing, etc. Turns out they didn't know too much (or, anything really) about the crisis happening in the DR Congo. It was such a refresher for me to speak it aloud, remember the truth of the crisis and that it is still happening. To remember that there is still work to be done, advocating and educating to happen here at home even before I go. That God is still preparing my heart in the moments leading up to this adventure.

I feel refreshed and ready to go, because after the last few weeks I had lost my gumption. Days were running into one another and I passed time by events and benchmarks of progress only. There has simply been so much on my plate that my energy level and excitement about any one thing was difficult to conjure up. However, the embers are turning back into a flame. God is reminding me of the purpose to which I am called.

Please consider a way to help support my trip over there; whether it's buying a couple of pounds of coffee, writing a check of any amount, or signing up for a sewing class in a few weeks. You may not feel called to go to Africa or anywhere, but you may feel a tug to help in whatever means you can. I urge you to do that. It does matter.

Poetry

Oftentimes jotting down thoughts in a journal or talking with someone about life doesn't always hit the nail on the head. I told one of my closest friends yesterday, "Laughter won't do it, a thousand tears can't touch it, and it's more eloquent than a 20 page dissertation on feelings in a journal." It's poetry. The simple thoughts penned and flowing in small verses and carefully thought out words...somehow it seems to convey the message perfectly. I'll be posting some poetry as we go throughout the next months. I hope you enjoy it. This was yesterday:

The War

Selfishness wages war
with desire
like a blitzkrieg on my soul
the deepest longing
for all that I see
and nothing I've tasted

The childish emotions
roll in like the tide
as my mind throws
a tantrum
equal to a three year old

Unsure and lacking
questioning value
desiring faith to
rise up as my front guard
and throwing my
inhibitions to the wind

The war continues
desiring to promote justice
and do righteousness
to feed the hungry
shelter the oppressed
to go and enlarge my tent
for my brothers and sisters

And yet selfishness fights back
to simply taste and see
the grass on the other side
for comfort, companionship
a teammate to band with
it does not end

The selfishness I feel
can leap and fly
off the tallest cliff as
I do not care for it
for my God will satisfy
the desire of each beat
of my heart and
each tear from my eye

Cauzal Coffee!

Honestly, I'm a bit late on the uptake for announcing this, but May 1 began my campaign to sell Cauzal Coffee in an effort to raise funds for my upcoming journey. Tell everyone you know to visit the blog, click the coffee cup, and get "purchase happy". :)

Prayers...

I have somehow found this incredible network of friends who have been to Africa and have a desire to serve, whether from the states or by going. This morning I talked with my sweet friend Paula, who spent four months serving in South Africa. We got to pour our hearts out, joys, frustrations and contemplations. It was kind of a relief, I think something I've been needing to do for a few weeks.

Both of us have been in a place where this desire just burned hot in our hearts, yet we had no idea how to respond, or what to do, or couldn't understand why we simply couldn't go right that moment. Even turning to prayer was frustrating and overwhelming, because the process of what to pray for seemed impossible. How do you know what to pray for when you aren't there, or have never been there? The corruption, pain, evil, sickness, death...it is all so big, so hard to understand. How will my tiny prayers be effective?

I still don't have the answer. I don't know that I ever will, but what I do know is this:

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freeedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaing together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, goran inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who seaches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that h might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whome he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." Romans 8:18-30

Courage

I keep meditating on this idea of courage and faith, and God keeps bringing me back to his word. In some small way, I'm feeling a bit like Joshua before the Israelites made it to the promised land. Not that I'm going in to take possession of a land I do not know, but I am directed to go to a land I do not know. To complete a task that I really cannot do on my own, but only with my God at my right hand.

I have this huge task ahead of me to raise the proper amount of funds and take off for Africa this fall. It seems daunting. I need to get about $5,000 to go, and half of that is the plane ticket alone. I'm seeing the deadline approach and part of me is scared, part of me wonders if I'll actually make it there, and as far as I can see, I still do not have a traveling companion to go with me. There are so many unknowns. Like, the daily life and my tasks I am to accomplish while I am there. What exactly will the work I am doing consist of? Is my going even worth it, or should I simply send the funds ahead of me? Am I even ready? The questions feel endless.

My conviction is this: God has a journey ahead of me, nothing will hinder that.

Psalm 27:13-14
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord."

Deuteronomy 31:7-8
Be strong and courageous, for you shall go with this people into the land that the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall put them in possession of it. It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. do not fear or be dismayed."

Isaiah 41:8-10
But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, "You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off";
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed,
for I am your God;
I will strengthen you,
I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

World Relief Next - Congo Trip

In my previous post, I told you a little bit about Beth and Ben who have both been wonderful mentors of mine the past few years. Well, they (along with four others) are currently in Rwanda, heading to Burundi with World Relief NEXT. They just left the Democratic Republic of Congo yesterday morning, and they have some amazing stories to share. You can see different stories and photos at the following links:

Ben's Blog
World Relief NEXT Blog

Beginnings

I love to blog. I hope that I don't get too busy to keep this sucker updated. This will be the story of my journey to Africa and back. I have this small feeling deep in my heart that this trip to Africa will be just the tip of the iceberg. I believe God has an incredible adventure planned for my life, and that this particular one will spur on the purpose of what I am to do with my talents in years to come so that I may glorify God. I hope that you can stay tuned to the journey.

Let me tell you a little bit about Africa. If you've followed my notes on Facebook you'll be familiar with this story. But for those of you just joining, this will be a good bit of background on the WHYs.

I was always afraid of loving God too much when I was younger...yes, it sounds absurd. I figured that if He loved me back too much He might send me far away. Like, to Africa. I never wanted to go. In fact, I avoided thinking about the place too much for fear of it. But as I look back at my life, beginning in my mid-teens, I can see God weaving my desire together.

There was this couple at my church in Colorado who lived and served in Mozambique for quite some time. They spoke so fondly of it, and loved the people with something much deeper than I understood. Zip forward to Bend about 6 years, and I moved in with who I fondly call my BS (big sister), Beth. God seriously put her life on a fast track around the world using her gift of shooting video and editing for His Kingdom. And through Beth I met Ben and Lauren, who also love Jesus like crazy and use their gifts (photography is just one of them) at all costs to serve God. I watched these three in particular for a few years before my life started to unwind. And when my life crumbled - the life I had created for myself - I began to see God, know His love and compassion, and desire new things like I had never done before.

I sew. I love it. And I love running my little company. That is my gift. For so long, I knew that is what I loved to do, but never understood why. I didn't feel like God could use that in any kind of powerful way. I felt as though my gifts were worldly and had nothing to do with God. I resented that like you wouldn't believe. UNTIL God showed me one day that my gifts absolutely must be used to His glory. And then He showed me how.

One day in church I heard about an organization in Africa that taught women how to sew, thus giving them an opportunity of new life. To be able to provide for their families: daily provision, medical attention and education that they wouldn't receive otherwise. And suddenly it clicked in my heart. I was to allow God to weave my passions into something He already had waiting for me. That something is Africa.

I'll leave it at that for now, and continue to write the story as the days pass on. There are many more fine details that I cannot wait to tell you. For instance, the little things that God has done to direct my steps. Those are my favorite things to remember and share.

Ephesians 3:14-21